Not good enough

Part 6

Days go by. Midway through the shooting there is a little party in a club. Tom is in his element – he keeps flirting with two girls and Sarah is sure he´ll make one of those quite happy tonight. Chris and Tony walk up to her.

“Hey, want a beer Sarah?” Chris hands her over a bottle.

“Thank you” she says with a little smile. He gives her a little kiss on the cheek. They have been taking it slow indeed, they spent some time with each other but both are kind of careful about it. Chris is not sure about Sarah’s feelings. She is very shy it seems. He does not want to push her – he enjoys meeting a girl and getting to know her from scratch – there will be plenty of time when this shooting is over. But, he still grabs her hand to hold it – and she squeezes it softly as she looks up to him.

“Well, Tom sure seems to enjoy the Hollywood life, huh?” Chris asks with a grin.

“Tom’s whole life is like Hollywood!”

“Oh, and Ben seems to like that too!” Tony says and nods over to Ben, sitting there with a girl on his lap.

She gazes at Ben, who has his hands around that girls’ waist, giggling and talking to her.

What the fuck is he doing?

“Well, he´s young and single… so why shouldn´t he enjoy it, right?” Tony laughs.

Chris doesn´t react. He keeps looking at Sarah, who still stares over to Ben. Is there still something between them? They seem very close. He watched them. But then, why does he bother anyway, he knows Ben and Sarah broke up a long time ago.

“Yeah, why shouldn´t he…” Sarah says and tries to give the guys a smile. “Excuse me.” She puts her beer on a table and leaves towards the restrooms. She stops in front of it for a moment and inhales. She knew this would change everything. Ben would change. He would get the chance to meet new people, to meet a woman he might like, and then there would be no place for her anymore. You´re a selfish bitch.

Suddenly Chris is sneaking onto her.

“Sarah – are you okay?” He always feels so insecure when he´s near her.

He wants to hold her, carress her, but something in her aura makes him cautious.

“You know what Chris, I am tired and I need some rest… I think I am going back to the hotel.”

“Okay… should I come with you?”

Sarah looks at him. What is she feeling for him? Why does he care? She can´t think straight at the moment. And Ben… is he playing with her feelings as well?

“No Chris, seriously, I just wanna be alone, okay? I´ll go to bed.” She gives him a little smile. Chris comes close in an attempt to hug her, but she steps back, turns around and leaves for the hotel. Chris looks after her. His heart aches. Why is she acting like this?

Ben takes a look around. He can´t see Sarah anymore. The girl on his lap keeps talking to him, but he doesn´t really listen. He sure feels great. But he feels like he would rather have Sarah here right now than any other girl in this world.

“Hey, are you listening?” the girl on his lap giggles.

“Uhm, yeah… listen… I´ll be back…” he tells her and gets up.

„Hey Tom, where´s Sarah?“

Tom just shrugs his shoulders.

“Hey, do you have any idea where Sarah is?” he asks Chris.

“She went back to the hotel.” Why you wanna know that. Chris feels jealousy coming up.

“Ok, thanks dude…” Ben taps his shoulder and leaves as well.

++++++++++

Back in her hotel room Sarah enters the bathroom and washes her face. She looks at herself in the mirror. She looks pale and sad and tired.

Why can´t you let Ben go? You didn´t want him to be with you. And why are you playing with Chris feelings?  It´s your own fault you´ll be ending up all alone. You don´t deserve better.

Her eyes are watering, anger comes up, hate, hate against herself, and she throws a bottle of creme soap through the room. “You are such a selfish bitch! Why do have to make other people suffer just because of your fucked up life!”  she yells at her reflection in the mirror. She feels an aching pain in her head, her muscles strain.

She hurrys out of the bathroom, rips off her jacket and opens her suitcase. She rummages through clothes and other stuff until she finds her little blue make up bag. She sobs, tears are running down her face now, while she is kneeling in front of the suitcase, staring at the bag in her shaking hands.

God, I hate myself flashes through her head, as she unzips the bag to get a little mirror and a razorblade out of it. She pulls out a little plastic bag that is hidden in the lining. She puts the mirror on the floor and places the white powder on it, carefully making two lines out of it with the razorblade. Tears are dropping down as she stares at the razorblade… thinking to use it on her wrists for a moment, but then she wipes her tears away from her cheeks and nose – then bends down to snort the lines of this devilish drug, that she knows will finally destroy her.

Sarah lets herself fall back flat on the floor. Soon the cocaine will be in her blood, soon she will be feeling better. She stares at the ceiling through her tears then closes her eyes, until she feels the energy of the drug coming up. It rushes through her body, she feels alive again, and her fear disappears. THIS is how you should be feeling, she thinks by herself, you are a star now; you are young and hot, enjoy this movie, enjoy life, do anything to keep up that feeling.

She gets up and turns on some music. She moves to the rhythm, not caring that she´s all alone here… she catches sight of the telephone and calls the roomservice to order a bottle of wine. Damn girl, you deserve it, you did a great job today. A few minutes later there´s a knock on her door.

“Just one minute!” Sarah calls and hurrys to hide her drug stuff. She takes a look at herself in the mirror to make sure no traces of cocaine are left under her nose, and that her smeared eye make up is gone. As she opens the door, she takes a step back. “Ben… I was expecting the room service.” she says and folds her arms in front of her chest.” Ben frowns his forehead. “Why did you leave?” he asks her as he steps inside.

“Yeah, come in, please…” Sarah bawls at him.

“What´s wrong?” He gazes at her. Her hair is open and falls soflty over her breasts, he can see her erected nipples though the fabric of the shirt. Damn… Ben hasn’t seen Sarah in that way for a long time. The drinks he had this night sure take it´s toll now. “Why did you leave?” he asks her again.

“Well you found some company, so…” She turns around to choose another song to play.

Ben hesitates first, but then steps behind her and inhales her scent. He remembers the nights they spent together, the good times they had, the passion, the love, everything they shared.

“Baby you know that all these girls fade next to you…” he whispers and places his hands on her hips. Feeling him sends shivers down her spine. She grabs his hands and leans back against his body. “I couldn´t stand seeing you with her. That´s why I left.”

“What about Chris… I thought you two…” he starts. Ben closes his eyes. Yes, he still loves Sarah. He would do anything for her. But he knows that they can´t be together. It always ended in drama and fights. They are just not meant to be together. But for a moment he is considering to kiss her, touch her, make love to her. “I don´t know…” Sarah whispers back at him. Should he give into his desire, his longing? He is about to tell her how he feels as he catches sight of the blue make up bag on the bed. He knows that bag. His heart aches. “Damn, Sarah no…” he whispers and leans his forehead against her head.

Sarah closes her eyes. She knows what he just discovered. She turns around and bites on her lips, then folds her arms in front of her chest. Ben looks at her, full of sorrow and pain, and although she knows how much this might hurt him, she can´t feel anything right now… the drug is stronger than she is.