Random Stuff - Part II

Rant: Fears

A/N: this was originally a diary entry, but I thought I discussed some interesting points so here you go :)

If I'm being honest with you, I don't know what to say. They say diaries are for writing down your thoughts but whenever I start an entry, I'm often doubting the accuracy of my own thought process to the point where I forget about writing anything at all. But I guess the whole point of writing a diary is that you express yourself freely without trying to reach a standard of writing or satisfy someone else's expectations of what a diary is supposed to consist of. So, here I go. 

Truth is, I'm a foolish human being just like any other and I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I've been confused as usual, but I've sort of come to a revelation about my problems – maybe the point of life isn't to know what anything means in the first place, but to embrace the limitations of existence and the human mind – embrace our stupidity. And with this understanding of one's own inevitable idiocy, one can strive to learn and grow as much as they can and to live as well as they know how to. Ultimately, I guess I'm the only one who can know anything about myself and my experience of living. I can't ask the rest of the universe or anybody else about a life they have never lived, isn't it? Because the only answer to why they can't answer me is obviously the fact that they don't see through my eyes, think with my mind, hear through my ears or sense anything through my senses to know the reality that this body perceives and lives in. So, if no one else knows the reality in which I live, how can anyone possibly answer the questions I have on it?

It seems I have naturally come to a conclusion and answered my own doubts without having to do any research or soul-searching, but by simply writing down my thoughts. It's quite miraculous how our minds work. It's quite miraculous how this mind and body is studying itself at this very moment. Our ability to take an objective view (well, an imaginary one which is of course biased towards how we perceive objectivity) of ourselves and deduce explanations for our own behaviour is really fascinating.

I have a fear of being stupid. I just realised. I keep using big words and worrying about my grammar and my sentence structure, but is there really a need to worry about such things? I mean, I'm the only one who is going to ever ber reading this again. Technically, I guess there is reason to worry about such things to a certain extent – clarity of thought helps in coming to conclusions more easily and moving from one thought to the next smoothly. When our mind's language is muddled and incoherent, I suppose we can end up struggling to even think at all. When I worry about my life, my future, my choices, my parents, my sister and the world around me and its horrors, I lose my calmness and intelligence to this overflow of thoughts which makes my head hurt to be honest. I lose my ability to think logically and confidently about what I'm going to do next or how I'm going to solve a problem.

Amidst my many worries and fears, something I worry about a lot is the suffering of others. I find myself conjuring up images of horrifying scenarios in my head because I fear the inevitable ignorance of humankind and the ignorance I see all around me in people I initially thought to be intelligent and all-knowing. In my head I see small children being abused and ill-treated with no one to turn to and people bleeding and bruised without anyone around to help them. I imagine people being shot and having to writhe in agony at the pain and I find myself wondering about how these people feel and what their lives are like. I find myself thinking of people who live in acute poverty, surrounded by their own filth, living each moment in pain from malnourishment, starvation, food poisoning, physical and emotional abuse and lack of hygiene. I imagine people with disorders like one I recently learnt about; cystic fibrosis, a genetic disorder. I wonder how they feel, living each day suffering with a condition that never goes away – pain that doesn't go away. I also wonder about a person I know from instagram, she's an amazing artist, and she has lived through 4 open heart surgeries. She is constantly in pain and I can only try to imagine the pain she must feel each second of the day. I mean, a faulty heart? This organ is what keeps a person alive, it is responsible for the health of the entire body during each and every second of one's life. It's beating is what ensures the function of every other organ in your body. How does someone live with such a fault in their body? She talks about how the tissue in her heart is growing too much sometimes and I can't bear to think of how often the idea of death comes to her mind. I wonder if my heart will stop beating right now. It's hurting, maybe it's finally time or... will it hold on a bit longer? The constant pain, the constant reminder of her death creeping up on her...