Complex desires

Bad News

On Monday I didn't go to school as I had skipped my last appointment and I couldn't skip again. So here I was in the waiting room waiting for my doctor to give me the results of the tests done. I started becoming impatient and tapped my foot on the tiles creating my own beats as I watched the minutes tick by slowly.

After a few minutes the door opened and the doctor motioned for me to follow him into the next room as he took a seat behind his desk. After closing the door behind me I sat on the chair opposite to him as I waited for the news.

He sighed as he took his glasses off. I just stared at him as I waited for him to speak.

"I shouldn't have to tell you this... you are too young... you still have things to experience! I wish there was something we could have done but you refused the treatment to slow the process down! I want to ask you if you are sure that you don't want the treatment?" There was desperation in his voice. A plea he wanted me to hear... to accept the treatment offered for me but I refused to hear it.

"How long?" The question no child should have to ask.

"What?" He looked at me shocked.

"How long do I have to live?" He just stared at me in shock as my words registered in his mind.

"About... about one month at least... the max is two months without treatment but with it about six months." He looked depressed that he had to tell me after all I am just a child...

15 is not the age I wanted to die. I don't think anyone wants to die early but I don't want to prolong my death by taking treatment that would make me feel worse.

"Understandable. Thank you for your time I enjoyed having you as my doctor. Keep well and please don't say anything to anyone I don't want people to worry for me." After saying that I walked out the office but not before seeing his eyes tear up and a single tear dropping from his eye as he blinked.

I walked to my bike after leaving the hospital. I just sat on it as my mind wondered to what I could have done with my life if I didn't get this. Would I have a family? Would I be living my dream? Would I have someone I love that would hold me and comfort me when I needed it? All these questions came up that I knew I would never find out the answers to. But one thing I was sure of... I will spend this last month with my friends but I won't say anything to them. I will live my life as if nothing is wrong... like I am not dying.

As I rode home I thought about how they would of reacted if I had told them. Both of them would probably want me to take the treatment or wouldn't want me to do anything strenuous on my body. That thought of them being all kind and stuff made me laugh. Imagine Kira been helpful and kind... it just didn't work.

The rest of the day was spent with me writing my will. I didn't cry for my situation after all we must all die at some point in our lives... I am just dying earlier than others.

Like my favorite line from Pierce the Veil -King for a day goes 'dying is a gift so close your eyes and rest in peace'. I always liked that line because it is true. Most people fear dying because they don't know what will happen after they past. Some think they go to heaven well others think there is nothing after death. I don't believe in heaven in fact I don't even believe in god so heaven was never an option for me but I don't believe in there being nothing either. I just believe we must wait to see what would happen. I could be wrong and there is a heaven that was created for those pure souls that need the thought of Paradise. But I ain't going to dwell on what will happen to me after I die. So with these thoughts in mind I finished my will.

Looking outside I noticed it was dark so I looked at the time on my phone and the numbers 23:57 glared back at me. Well I better go sleep. After checking to see if I got everything in I placed it in an envelop and sealed it with wax and my family emblem. Finally satisfied with my work I placed it on my desk to give to my lawyer when I see him again which should be soon.