Complex desires

Realisation

I played another song and at the end I heard clapping. I turned to the door to see the doctor standing there. He was clapping and smiling at me which was something I haven't seen him do for a long time.

"Your talents spread far and wide doesn't it Sakaru?" He said while walking to me. "You bring joy to others when they need it while also bringing comfort." He gazed around at the children before speaking again. "These children had no hope. No one cared that they had no one even their family had abandoned them. You made them smile. Do you see that boy over there in the corner?"

He pointed to the little boy whose chart I had seen, after seeing my nod he continued. "He was placed in this hospital two years ago and after seeing that he had no chance of survival his family never came to see him again. He hadn't smiled in two years yet you got him to smile. Just remember it is never easy to live knowing how long you have left on this earth. Do what you feel is right but consider your friends feelings."

He left soon after leaving me with a lot to think about. I don't want Kira and Hotoru to worry about me yet it seems unavoidable but if not telling them what is really wrong helps them so be it. I hate the looks of pity I receive because people don't empathize. In our world today the old are getting older while watching young people die. The life people live is not just based on choices they made but also circumstances.

I can't get a chance to get married. I can't have kids. I won't know what its like to come home and be greeted by my husband with a kiss on my cheek and my children with stories of how their day went. I won't get to have some girl time with my daughter. I won't be able to tease my son when he asks for suggestions for his first date. I won't be able to threaten the boys that come courting my daughter. I won't be able attend my children's wedding. I won't be a grandmother. I won't get to spoil my grandchildren and buy them presents.

I was pulled out of my thoughts when I felt something tug on my sleeve. Looking down a pair of wide green eyes stared back at me.

"Are you okay?" The little boy asked looking at me with curious eyes.

"Yes I am." I answered with a smile.

"No you are not... if you were okay you wouldn't be crying!" Sure enough when I touched my face it was wet. Wiping my face I smiled once again at the boy and all the other children.

"I will be okay. Now who wants another song?!" I called to the rest of the children.

"Meeee!" They called out dragging the 'e' out.

So the rest of the day I spent playing songs for the kids and telling them stories. We all fell asleep and I was holding the little boy from before who refused to let me go as he held my top in his small hand.