𝙋𝙝𝙤𝙩𝙤𝙜𝙧𝙖𝙥𝙝𝙨

Terrified

I don't even know myself anymore.
I want to be a man,
But I dress feminine sometimes.
I want to dress like a whore
But I don't want people to touch me.
I want to be able to dress how I want
And be happy.
But I have to dress the same way everyday
And wear my hair the same way everyday
And act the same way everyday.
Be the same person everyday,
The funny guy,
The guy who listens when you need to vent,
The guy who's strong,
The guy who loves everyone.
But that isn't me.
I'm only funny because I use humor as
A defense mechanism.
I only listen to people vent because I don't
Want them to hate me.
I'm only strong because my father has beaten
Into me that I have to be strong to be a man.
I say I love everyone but do I love you or do I
Love the thought of you?
But who's there for me?
Who's there to be funny when I'm down,
To be there when I need to vent,
To be there when I'm weak,
To love me.
I ruin every relationship ship I'm in
Without even trying.
My first ever serious relationship I
Accidentally cheated on them.
I still feel horrible about it.
Second one after that they left me with only
A text.
I didn't even get a chance with the third one
Cause they stood me up while I waited for an hour.
Whenever I get into a relationship they always
Leave.
It's not worth it.
I'm closing the doors.
No one can come in.
But I crave affection.
I need love.
I'm so alone all the time.
I'm always just there for people to have fun with
Then leave when they feel like it.
It's their choice,
But why don't I get a say in anything?
Why do I just have to accept it and am
Forced to move on in the span of a week?
When I look in the mirror I look so different.
When did my hair grow so long?
When did I look so tired?
Why do I look so drained?
No.
Put on a smile,
The guests are here.
Cater to their every need.
Act sharp, be obedient,
And don't
Mess
Up.
I'm walking a tightrope every fucking day
And I don't feel like keeping my balance anymore.
So what if I fall back into the old me?
No one notices me anyway.
Do I need therapy or am I just overreacting?
Am I crying for help or just being a pussy?
I'm terrified.
The first day back keeps coming closer
And I'm fucking terrified.
I have to be perfect.
Get good grades or you'll never be able to
Drive.
Make sure you check in with the counselor
Because god knows that you shake every time
They call roll.
You clench your fist and pray to god they say
The right name.
Because you know the stares you get when they
Say the wrong one.
Shouldn't you be used to this?
It's been two years.
Yeah, but the pain of everything is still there
And I can't bear to hear the questions they ask.
I don't want to sit alone.
Calm down, maybe they won't be to harsh?
How could I know?
I always have my headphones in, don't I?
I don't listen.
I keep them in cause my head screams at me
Constantly about
How my voice is to high
How big I look
How tall I am
How outdated my clothes are
And everything in between.
I leave the headphones in because it's for my
Own safety.
I don't want to relapse
But I'm scared my body will do what it wants.
I'm scared.
I'm terrified.
And I don't have anyone to talk to.

m.r
641 words