Of Victors and Tributes

Chapter 9: Before the Games

Sleep eludes me for hours, my blood moving sluggishly in my veins as I imagine home. I end up falling asleep for a few hours, but I awaken again at 4 in the morning. Six hours until the Games. I should try to go back to sleep, but I can't. It's no use. Instead, I look around my room until I find paper and a pen to write on and with.

Four pieces of paper, that's all I need. I don't know if other tributes have done this before and had the notes delivered to their family after they died, but it's worth a shot. I'll give them right to Cecelia. I'm sure she'll do everything in her power to give the papers to their rightful owners. One paper is addressed to Jean, who could be my girlfriend or could just be my best friend. I tell her everything I should've, how important she is to me, how we may have hated each other as kids but I certainly haven't hated her in years. The other two go to my siblings, their names spelled in careful handwriting. I tell them to be strong, to be everything I couldn't be. And then there's Mom, who I'm terrified will die of stress while I'm in the Games. I beg her to stay alive. I beg her to stay alive for them, not for me. And I tell every single person that I love them.

When I finish filling the papers to the brim with words, I tuck them soundly into my pocket. No, I'll forget them there. I take them out and put them on my bedside table, and in order to remember them I set my pocket watch on top. That way nothing will be left behind.

And yet I can't clear my mind. I'm wallowing in a pit of guilt and despair, angry with myself for not preparing better for the day where I could possibly be reaped. It happened to Weaver, wasn't that enough of a reality check? Apparently not, because I didn't prepare in time. I didn't teach my family how to survive without me. I didn't take Twine to the fence. I didn't teach Lacey to become more independent. I didn't teach my mother to multitask in taking care of her children and herself. And I didn't tell Jean that I love her. I did tell her I love her, but not the way I should have. And now only these notes can convey those feelings.

I secretly hope that Vestia is struggling the same way I am with sleeping and comes into my room for comfort. Not in a selfish way, of course. I mean, I guess it's in a selfish way. I don't want to be alone with my thoughts. I need to have some kind of conversation to keep my mind off the notes on the table and the pocket watch glistening on top of them. But she doesn't come. I consider getting up and wandering the apartment until someone is annoyed enough to talk to me, but it's no use. I am not the only one suffering with sleep, if my mentors and escort care as much as I think they do.

The pain they must be enduring is eternal. Since that conversation with Koi, I've come to recognize how much he actually cares and how much I dismissed him. How couldn't I have caught on that his behavior was just a façade to please the Capitol? As citizens of his background go, he's definitely one of the better ones. And so is Farah, who has all of the outfits and alterations but little of the attitude. I mean, she is sure to brag about her skills, but she isn't as awful as the citizens that are cheering and betting on my death or life. My prep team, on the other hand, I will not miss. Okay, I will miss Angora. But not Satine. And definitely not Venus.

I never want to see those two again.

Just a few hours until the arena, and everyone will be getting up soon. We don't get to sleep in and enjoy our last few hours. No, we spend our time getting moved from the apartment to some underground facility beneath the arena, where we'll get dressed and wait alongside our stylists. I don't get to spend my possible last moments with Cecelia or Woof, not even Vestia. My last time seeing Meadow was last night, along with Fairlie and Axel. I may never see them again. The bloodbath is ruthless. It will be a miracle for me to survive.

I'm happy that Cecelia and Woof gave me so much information on how to live, but I'm ignoring one thing they told me. Turn and abandon the Cornucopia, run for the hills and find water. I can't follow those orders, though I told my own allies to. I'm not willing to, not anymore. I'm strong, sturdy, and good with a sword. I won't go all the way in. I'll just grab a pack and a sword if I can reach it, then run. Pick up Vestia and the others if I can. And then I'll go for the hills.