Discovering Time

Robert

I have fought through all the elements to get to where I am now. I've become a shell of what I used to be, and now there's more nature in me than man. Ghosts have filled the hollows of my memory, leaving behind the raging wind in the plane where there once had been so much promise.

My family and I were lured by a promise - that one day we would be able to live above and beyond our means with the acquisition of gold. That's what purchased us a wagon and pushed us across the steady stream from east to west.

Both of my parents are Scots - both being proud to say they fought in the Revolution against the "Bloody English" and had helped in finally acquiring a country of our own. My mom's side was the first Scottish settlers of Appalachia. My father's side fought in the Battle of Culloden, and were criminals on the run up to the acquisition of America.

Later, both my mum and da's families had found themselves in the midwest - where they met at the annual Scottish festival. Soon, it was where I met my wife Shana, and we were married under a beautiful wedding arch of white flowers.

She was soon pregnant with the twins. We were young, in love, and scared. All the while we listened to the advice of the church believing that God would provide should we find ourselves in a situation of needing to rely on him. That was wishful fantasy - the reality was that my career was going nowhere. The only advice that made sense at the time was that which was imparted over a swig of whiskey during one of my darker nights: "Move west!"

Jobs were moving and friends were going. Then there was the land - beautiful untouched fields of nothingness where only the Indians had once passed over. It seemed fertile, barren, and pure - like the Virgin Mother herself. There was also the uncertainty of what would encounter us when we came over, but we had to have faith. Perhaps the only thing that is certain in this world is uncertainty itself. That was the thought we had anyway, which drove us that way with the other settlers. Our girls had turned 4 years old.

Needless to say, nothing came out of this trip except sickness and the death of my entire family, but who cares right? I should have died as well, only the determination of other men and their wives kept me from killing myself until we reached Idaho Falls.

Idaho Falls is a lush, green, and fertile plain. It is the closet thing in this world to the Garden of Eden (except without the jungle). Many were ecstatic their families made it this far, with the parents eager as jack rabbits to continue their line.

I felt so hollow. It was like living in the biggest joke of your life to finally get what you desire, without the one thing you desired the most - the one thing you took for granted. I took them for granted, otherwise I wouldn't have been so dumb as to to take them. I drank so heavily here. The authorities were happy to get me on the next group of travelers.

So we banded together as we ventured through the mountain passes for more grueling weeks, up through the plains where lone twisters danced, and avoiding Indian encampments until we found ourselves in Bannack, Iowa.

I found myself a tiny house with a bed, a fireplace, some work clothes, and meal utensils I had brought from the trip.

For the most part, I've been a cold and empty shell of the man I was when I was younger. Bannack fits the the bill for me in it's dreariness and it's isolation. It's cold, perpetually quiet, and hard to travel to - though that is said to soon change with the discovery of gold. There's also been a slight increase in murders, though they are sparing enough to not pay too much attention to.

There are also a lot of prostitutes in Bannack. What I've learned is that the West is not only an accumulation of broken men, but broken women as well. They are happy to give their bodies away, thoroughly enjoying being used by men until the last drop, and wanting to prolong their sinful existence for as long as possible. They've heard about my loneliness and have tempted me multiple times, but not even they can draw it away from me.

Most of the men that come to this town have no one that they have to take care of. Instead, most of the men here long for gold and for the supposed riches to seemingly prolong their bachelorhood.

As for me, the gold haunts me. It sits in my sleep, sometimes filling the room and covering my chest until I am no longer able to breathe. Sometimes these dreams wake me up to seeing the faint shadow of my family, but these instances have now become few and far between despite how much I have longed for them.

Maybe the just fitting for me would be for one of the mines to collapse, encompassing me in, so that the world finally matches the self-hatred and guilt from within.

Until that day, I know I won't forget the story of King Midas.