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-2- My Boy

Kendra Lincoln

I stare at the folded napkin, it's crisp edges and bright white linen cause it to blend into the white linen tablecloth. But that's not what my mind is focused on. It's focused on the boy back at my home.

My heart breaks for that boy.

Rhett and I have read his file a thousand times, trying to piece together the information with the way that he behaves. None of it makes sense. There's something missing.

My thoughts are back at home, wondering what Holt is doing even though I am almost positive I already know. He spends his days in his room, as quiet as a mouse, door open. I've noticed he reads the books that I've lined the shelves of the built-in bookcase in his room. They're all old books, things I've picked up at estate sales or garage sales. Their spines old and worn, filled with musty yellow pages of an author's thoughts that have long been forgotten. I had bought them for decoration with no intention of anyone ever reading them.

"Kendra!" The sound of my name snaps me from my thoughts as I look up to my sister. "Sorry were you waiting for me long?"

I smile up at her as I shake my head. "No, not long at all. How are you?"

We share an embrace before retaking our seats.  She squeezes the lemon into her water that's hooked to the side of the glass in front of her. I haven't seen my sister in months.

"I'm good. Chris and I are planning a trip to Colorado. You guys should join us." She says enthusiastically.

I smile at the invitation even though I can't possibly accept it. I don't think Holt is ready for such a thing.

"We'd love too but now isn't a good time Meghan."

"Still having problems with that boy?" She asks.

Something instantly burns inside me. Igniting in my chest and spreading through my body. He's not "that boy" he's my boy.

"Holt." My voice comes out sharp and protective.

Meghan glances at me. "Holt, right. I just think maybe you should consider sending him back."

I clench my teeth, the idea makes me sick to my stomach and the fact that my own sister is recommending it makes me fume.

"He's not something I picked up at the store Meghan. You can't just return human beings. He's a person and he needs a family." I snap at her.

"That's not what I mean." She defends. "I just think if this is what you want to do maybe you should start with a kid that doesn't have so many problems."

I can't do anything else but gape at her. I'm not afraid of Holt's issues, I'm afraid I won't be able to help him in time.

"I mean, come on Kendra. We haven't seen you since he started living with you." Meghan says, she's clearly put out by the fact that I haven't introduced the family to Holt. "If you want to try and adopt him, don't you think we should all meet him?"

"He's not ready." I've been telling her this for months but she hasn't heard me once.

Meghan scoffs, spinning the straw around in her glass of water, the ice cubes clinking together.

"That doesn't even make sense Kendra." Meghan tells me.

But it does. If she knew Holt she'd understand.

"I don't care what you think Meghan. He's not ready."

I'm firm in my decision. Holt barely speaks to Rhett and I. Only answering our questions. He's polite and obedient and withdrawn. But it's more than that. He's scared and I don't know why.

"How does Rhett feel about this? What about how this boy will effect your marriage?" Meghan asks.

Her concern should make me feel cared for but it doesn't. I take a deep breath because the last thing I feel right now is calm, buying myself more time as I sip from the straw that's in my glass of ice water. The cold water doing nothing to simmer the fire that's boiling inside me.

"My marriage is just fine." I finally say. "Rhett and I are not going to abandon Holt."

Rhett is a good man. A loving man. And I know he'll be a wonderful father.

Meghan nods. "I'd just hate to see it tear you apart."

I don't bother to explain how I know that it won't. I know it won't be easy but Rhett will stay by my side. We didn't come to the conclusion of fostering a child lightly. Yes, we weren't prepared for a teenager, let alone one such as Holt. But we both made a commitment and it's something we will see through. Together.

Besides, as soon as I laid eyes on the shy, lanky teen, I knew he was meant to be with us, with me. He's the child I've been waiting for. The one I couldn't have.

"How is Chris?" I change the subject. "And the girls?"

"Ari is already complaining about school." Meghan says on an eye roll. "I am not ready to have two teenage girls."

I laugh, remembering back to when Meghan and I were teens and all the trouble we gave our parents.

"Mom always did wish for you to have a girl just like you." I tell her.

Meghan gives me a playful nudge. "Well her wish came true. I don't know if I'll survive. And Chris isn't handling it well. Ari brought a boyfriend home for the first time a few weeks ago and I swear Chris was about to call the cops for hand holding."

I laugh, the picture clear as day in my mind. "What will he do once Mia brings a boy home?" I say already knowing the answer.

"Oh god." Meghan says. "Hopefully I have a few more years. She's more into her horse than boys right now."

The mentioned of Mia's horse makes me wonder if Holt has any passions. The only thing he's ever asked for has been to go to the park after school. I was shocked at the request. Not because he wanted to but because he was so distressed over asking. I thought he was about to unravel, one tiny tug of a thread and he'd just be a tangled mess of yarn at my feet.

I went out and got him a bus pass the next day. He goes every day after school and at exactly 4:45 he walks through the front door. I've thought about going to the park more than once. Wondering what he does there. Does he have friends he meets? Does he sit and draw the scenery? Read a book? Go for a walk? But every time maybe I think I will, I stop myself. I'll never gain his trust by following him.

That is the only thing I know for certain about Holt.

He trusts no one.

                               ————————

I held out! It was hard. I'm excited for this story to get rolling.