The Bad boy's Prayer

Chapter 27 Somehow

I felt tired.

Drained.

Both physically and emotionally.

I had no idea which side to choose or down which path I should go.

Can making a decision really be THIS hard ?

This has taken a toll on me . On my life . And it's gotten to the point where I just feel numb to any and all feelings. I'm too scared to show when I'm happy and I hold my tears back when I'm sad.

Don't show any kind of weakness they'd say.

But is it a weakness when you're just experiencing your feelings outwardly ?

They all want a simple answer , a black and white answer. But what if I can't give it to them? What if I don't even have the answer they're all looking for ? What if I'm a disappointment? What if I give them an answer , my decision and it's not what they hoped it to be ?

I cry before the Lord , asking for guidance but even that - my relationship - is not where it used to be. And that makes me feel even worse. I've spent countless hours before Him last night calling out and waiting for a reply yet I got none in return. What has this mess turned my life into ,  to which I can't even hear the voice of God anymore ?

They all want answers from me , but even I need guidance. I need to figure this out for myself first before I could even think of what'll happen to them. Every once and a while you just have to put yourself first too. There's only one thing I know for certain and that is that I just don't have what they're asking of me , maybe with a few more years of wisdom I would've. But I don't have a few more years to think about this. To decide. Even then it would be too late. So I keep pressing forward but still having no idea where I'm heading. I have barely graduated high school for crying out loud! How am I supposed to make a big life altering decision if I don't even know what I'm going to have for breakfast tomorrow morning !?

I really want to give them an answer  , I do. But I just don't seem to have the energy and the courage in me left to do that. It's not as easy making decisions when it's always been made for you. It's easy they'd always say , just give us your opinion . But what if my opinion is wrong ? What if I make the wrong decision , deciding to go down the wrong path AWAY from what I was called to do ? Then it'll all be a mess again.

It's too much pressure to handle !!

'But enough pressure makes a diamond right? ' My heart tauntes my brain

'Yeah. But too much pressure can also crush and destroy. ' My brain would retaliate. This was why I never chose to use my heart over my brain , it would only make the problem worse by having an internal battle as well.

When my alarm went off - saying it's time to get up for school - I've gone emotionally numb. And I don't like it one bit. I can't feel anything towards this situation anymore. I can't weigh in without being biased anymore. It's like no matter what I choose to do now , it won't hurt me anymore cause I can't feel anything anyway...

"So Lord , I call out to you one last time. See my faltering heart , see the crack in my walls. This pressure is too much for me to handle and I'm starting to fall.Catch me if you can or be my safety net. But being on this rollercoaster has broken me. I hope it'll be worth it in the end. " I cried out one last time before getting up from the floor and ready for school.

I held my breath as I passed the kitchen, seeing no sign of Logan.  It's not that I was relieved but ... I kind of was. I had no idea what I would've said to him if I saw him.

I felt kind of bad when my mom had told me he took the bus this morning , it was my fault. Yet I knew I didn't force him to make that decision  , he made that all on his own. He clearly too had some things to think through...

*****
I hadn't seen him the whole day at school - making me wonder if he even showed up this morning - but it was none of my business right ? He was old enough to know right from wrong . Right ? I don't know , but I left it there and didn't bother with it any further.
After school I decided I needed a break from all of this , a change in scenery so I made a stop at Melody.

"Hey Melody... you got a second ?" I ask drawing the curtain to see Logan sleeping by her side while she gave me a welcoming smile. I almost backed out seeing him there too but there was something about her smile that told me it was all going to be okay.

"He's been here since early this morning. " she said as if reading my mind . But I guess that explained why he wasn't at school today. " What's bothering you Amaya? " she tapped the spot next to her as I took the offer willingly.

"Oh Melody,  it's all a mess !" I said started to cry while she patted my head and I began repeating my tale to her. I sometimes feel as if she must think of me as a nuisance since all I do is unload my problems with her . But it's just something about her calming presence that makes me believe it'll all be okay.

" it's going to be okay Amaya." She said lifting my head so I was looking at her. " you'll make the right decision.  Just follow your heart " she put my hand over my heart as she held it with hers giving me a warm smile.

"Thank you Melody. " I said giving her a hug.

"Now you best be on your way before he wakes up and demands some answers. " she says playfully while I nod and grabbed my bag. When I left the hospital I didn't know how , but somehow I knew it would all work itself out. It was bound to . Right ? I could feel it.

It's a little shorter than the rest but I have some mixed feelings about this one... I'm not so sure about the first part? Do you understand what I'm trying to say , does it make sense even ? My mind seems to work faster than my fingers sometimes so I might type a bit of a mess 😖 but if you stuck around this far ; Thank you so much for reading ❤❤ remember to leave your thoughts in the comment section below and like always , until next time,  keep howling my wolves ❤🐺