The Bad boy's Prayer

Chapter 11 Jerkface

I had no words to say to him.

Tell him it's okay , that you're not mad.  The voice in my head said.

But I didn't bother paying any  attention to it , just silently eating the rest of my ice cream.

I mean what did he expect me to say ?

To say it's okay ! To not worry about it !  The voice in my head shouted this time.

Yet , I still couldn't form the words to say that to him.

The beeping of my phone made us both snap our heads to the side , seeing my screen light up with my mom's number.

"I- a ... it's mom. I gotta go . I'm sorry ... " I said , quickly grabbing my bag and rushing out to my car.

As I sat behind the wheel , making my way up into our street I couldn't help but feel guilty. I was a total jerk.

Yeah you were my mind taunted me as I wish there was a way I could just silience it for once in my life.

I know I shouldn't have left so abruptly. Certainly not without giving him a reply in return. 

As I fumbled with the keys in my hands - trying to unlock the front door - I couldn't help the thoughts rushing through my head at 90 miles an hour on what to do next.
It all wavering between send him a text explaining , and leave it letting it work itself out.

Could it really be that simple? 

"Sorry I had to interrupt your quiet ti- hey , what's wrong sweetie? " mom said , coming downstairs seeing my guilt written state.

"Mom ... I don't know what to do ." I said , trying extremely hard to fight back the tears that's trying to spill.

"Oh honey ... come here . Sit down and we'll talk about it. " she said , directing me to the living room couch. "What's wrong ?"

"You know things with Shawn has been a little weird since he returned ? " she gave a brief nod as I continued " well when I went and got some ice cream he showed up at Joey's too. He told me how sorry he was and that he was just busy with school and that I shouldn't be mad at him for keeping his distance ."

"Okay ? So what's the problem then ?"

"The problem is , I didn't say anything back. I didn't know what to say. And as much as I would've liked to tell him that it was all okay , I just couldn't... and I don't know why . Why couldn't I have just said it mom ?" I said,  looking up at my mom as if she could magically wave her magic wand and solve all of my problems. 

"I... I don't know sweetheart. Sometimes the heart can be a very confusing and challenging thing to understand ."

"But , I'm NOT mad at him.  I know I've just been paranoid thinking he was ignoring me on purpose but when he explained himself... I couldn't form the words to say that to him. It's almost like I expected his explanation to be somewhat bad , so that I HAD a reason to be mad at him. I so badly wanted to be mad at him for being like this... but I just can't.  I can't hate my forever best friend. I just can't. And I think that's why I feel so guilty. Because I AM mad. But not at him. At myself."

As I finished putting the pieces together my mom just engulfed me in her warm , safe embrace , stroking my hair and saying that it'll get better , that I don't have to worry about it. Something I should've said to Shawn...

"Thanks mom. I think I just need to get an early night tonight.  Maybe tommorow will be better. " I said, getting up and placing a kiss on her cheek before heading upstairs.

****
And like it was predetermined tommorow was not better.

physically I felt better, certainly not as tired anymore but emotionally?  I was a mess. A complete and utter mess , to say the least.

I still felt this overwhelming feeling of guilt and shame. I can't believe I did what I did yesterday.

How could I have possibly put my entire friendship with Shawn at ruins last night ? 

What have I done ?

Getting out of bed , I see my kitten poster across the room reading; "For the righteous falls seven times and rises again, but the wicked stumble in times of calamity. - Proverbs 24:16"

Reading it aloud makes me think back to how I've 'fallen' , metaphorically of course. I think that because of what happend with Shawn last night that it's the end. Like I've fallen to this pit of guilt and despair, with no way of seeing the light and bouncing back from this. When in reality , I can and will get back up from this.

Why am I throwing myself a pity party over this ?

Why do I have to feel 'bad' about something that doesn't mean the end of the world ?

With that , I got up , dressed and dailed Shawn's number.

It's time we talked.

After a brief conversation on the phone -putting everything in place for this afternoon  - I rushed back upstairs getting ready for our appointment.

I decided it would be best if we talked everything out over some lunch . In a calm and collected environment. Or well, I hope it is ...

We were meeting for lunch at 12:30 just a little out of town at a local diner . Our favorite diner.

We used to go there all the time growing up.

Birthdays, holidays, after school, even celebrating the smallest of victory's like passing a test we didn't think we would.

It was a special place to us both. A sacred place. That's why I thought it would be the best possible place to resolve our little 'issue' .

It was 12:28 and I was seated at our special seat -next to the window close to the kitchen - as I waited for him to make his arrival.

Leafing through the menu absentmindly , my screen lit up - thinking it was Shawn - I picked it up . Only to be surprised to hear none other than the voice of Logan at the other end.

A very upset Logan at that.

"Where the hell are you !? It's past 12 already! " he yelled through the other end of the line.

And like an anvil fell on my head , I suddenly rememberd that I had a tutoring session with Logan.  At 12.

How could I have forgotten!?

Grabbing my purse and texting Shawn on the way out , I soon bumped into that very same chest.

I looked up into his confused eyes as he watched me rush out of the diner.

"I'm so sorry to do this again . It's just - I had this tutoring session that I forgot about and ... I REALLY need to go. I'm - I'm sorry. I'll call you." I said , rushing off to my car , but not before hearing his voice behind me say ;

"You know , don't bother."

And that my lovelies is what I'm leaving you with 😏 what did you think!? What's going to happen next!? Is Amaya way in over her head with everything ? Let me know in the comment section below. Until next time,  keep howling my wolves 🐺❤