guilt | kihyuk

November 3rd, 2018

Kihyun woke up that day with a bitter taste. November 3rd, how to appreciate this day now. Days after days, it was as if every day passing by reminded Kihyun of Min. No matter what the date was, Kihyun would only get memories of Minhyuk back. He haunted him. The alcohol from the night before made him forget of course, but even if you don't remember it your heart will know. His heart hurt so much that day, Kihyun screamed because it hurt, it burned, it sank, it broke inside.

"Kihyun? We were waiting for you at practice- Did you drink?" Hyunwoo burst in the house but stopped mid-sentence deranged by the strong smell of alcohol his friend wore. Kihyun did not reply, he didn't even move a muscle and stayed on his bed, his eyes fixated on the ceiling. Saying Kihyun looked like a mess would be an understatement. "Hey. Kihyun?" Hyunwoo approached his friend, slightly shaking Kihyun's seemingly lifeless body. "Kihyun. Move your ass now." Hyunwoo spoke louder and as if something clicked in Kihyun's mind he sat straight, when Hyunwoo met eyes with Kihyun he saw all of his sadness,  loneliness and despair, Hyunwoo felt it all through Kihyun's eyes. "25" was all Kihyun said. Hyunwoo understood instantly what the other said and could not do anything but holding his friend tight when he saw tears streaming down this numb looking face. Kihyun had reached the state where you can't even express anything anymore.

"Let's call the others and go out today" Hyunwoo offered after some time but Kihyun declined his offer. "I need to stay alone" Hyunwoo sighed, worried for Kihyun but could not do anything else than giving him what he wants. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" Kihyun replied with a quick "hmm".

The letters, there are two left and there is one for Min's birthday, today. Kihyun decided to read one today. He needed Minhyuk, his presence, his happiness, just to remember that he once was so joyful.

"November 3rd, 2016
Dear Kihyun,

Today is my birthday! I am so thrilled! But you won't spend this day with me.
Will you even wish me an happy birthday?
Will you even acknowledge my presence?
Will you even look at me?
This is all worthless...
My only birthday wish would be to see you enter that goddamn room and tell me you need me too, deliver me from this sorrow.
What have we become Kihyun? Gosh, tell me, what did I do wrong?
I want you by my side Kihyun. I want to feel you, to see your smile, to cause you to blush. I want everything back.
Do you remember two years ago? When we met again for No Mercy. Ahh, I was so happy to see you there. I was so worried that I would never see your face again, the man I fell for as soon as I heard him sing. You've had me from the very beginning. I remember the way you were clinging onto that keyring I had given you months before during the auditions. Seeing you holding onto it so tightly brought butterflies inside of me. You had thought of me, you did not forget, you were also hoping to see me again.
I can see your eyes turning bright as soon as you saw me there. The way we did not care about anything else, because together we could conquer the world. Your heart met mine.
I will never forget the moment our eyes met, the way we instinctively ran to each other and exchanged that delicious yet so delicate kiss. The way your hands fit perfectly into mine. The way your mouth would curl up into a smile while we kissed. The way you'd laugh. I remember it all Kihyun.
So what have we done to those two lovers Kihyun? Why can't we go back to loving each other just like the first day?
Why did you stop loving me Kihyun?
It feels like torture every day, being so close to you but so far at the same time. Our all used to be connected but it feels as if we had cut the string keeping us together. Why are you running away from me? Why are you breaking my heart like that?
Why can't you tell me you love me, just one more time. Why Kihyun? ... Why?
You used to adore me laugh to all of my jokes.
Please, don't leave me here.
You are the only one for me. You are my one and only soulmate, Yoo Kihyun.
I love you.
Waiting for you,
Minhyuk."

If only Kihyun could turn back time. If only he could go back to that day. He would run to Minhyuk and reassure him, comfort him because no one would ever love him like Min did. If only Kihyun could, he would hold Minhyuk so tight so that he would never leave but now Kihyun could only hold onto a memory, a shadow.

We were destined to meet.
We were destined to love each other.
We were meant to live a fairy tale.
Your heart had my name carved and mine had and still has yours.

"Do you forgive me now Minhyuk? Do you understand how much I hurt without you?"

Kihyun sat at the table, contemplating the pictures hung around him, Minhyuk's paintings too. What an amazing man he was. Kihyun held the keyring close to his heart sadly reminiscing old buried memories.

How can I forget when your scent still lingers here, when every little thing remind me of you?

How could Minhyuk think Kihyun did not love him anymore when all Kihyun could ever think about was Min. But it's Kihyun's fault if he felt that way.... It's because he had been stupid. It's because he had been selfish. Because he never thought he could lose Min. Soulmates are meant to be together forever, right?
Why did you punish me and take my whole joy, heart and love away after one mistake? The biggest mistake of my life.....

"I will love you until the end of time"

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A/N: Hi! I am trying to update as fast as I can but with college it is getting tricky.
Sorry this chapter isn't very good :(((
I will try and do better next chapter.
Hope you still enjoy this kinda mediocre chapter :(
Thank you for reading this story, thank you for entering my mind!
Love and take care ♡