Denial

Forlorn.

Does it really require much effort, just to initiate a conversation?
Not even a slatternly "how's it going?" eases its way into my messages.
This Summer, I've found myself to be socially secluded.
And I've tried, I really have made an effort with everyone I care about, simply to be repeatedly bombarded with 'read' receipts.
Maybe this is a positive, as it's given me time to improve my daily outlook on life.

This past year, I've subconsciously been viewing life through a glass-half-empty lense.
I consistently allowed the past to dictate my present actions.
Day by day, I sat back and I let things unfold, having no incentive to change.
Yet this has only proven to be an issue as the days became monotonous.
So I recently told myself to never place my fate into the hands of others.
Because I can only trust and prioritise myself when I'm at my lowest.

All of my close friends have such contrasting characteristics.
Though at times, I figured they don't reciprocate the amount of devotion I output into all of my friendships.
This has been a recurring feeling, despite all my friends being so blatantly individual.
It's like figuring out what you want to pursue in life.
At times, one can feel so secure and certain about their future.
Their superior discourse can be literally untouchable.
Then another opportunity arises, and deception starts to take its toll.
That's how I feel, especially with recent friendships.

Currently, I only have a strong rapport with a selected few.
However, those that I thought I could trust, haven't been as reliable.
Now that I put myself first, I am no longer blind towards the negativity thrown my way.
I can observe others' perceptions of me without hesitation, and I know that certain people could never view me as a close friend.
As there are always other, better people in this world, right?

I may have improved my attitude to life, but I will not overlook the negligence of those who are meant to motivate me.
Not even one buzz has emerged from my phone since the day people began to part ways for the Summer.
Confined to my desolate room, I can't do this alone.
Perpetually wanting to make plans and expose myself to the macro society we live in.
So desperately craving someone to confide in while I still have time.

I guess I have to wait until next year.
It may be 30° outside, but here I am, sprawled across the sofa, watching the cars go by.
Crucially wishing for a getaway.
Forlorn.