Shades of White

Roll to me

"And then, all of a sudden, we were leaning towards each other. Our faces were probably about two inches apart." Shaun had just driven me back to CPP, and I was retelling the story to Christelle, Amy, and Dawn.

"So, did you kiss him?" Christelle asked.

I felt tears well up in my eyes as I answered. "No."

"Why not?" Dawn prodded.

"His phone rang."

"Well, couldn't you have kissed him after that?" She continued ruthlessly.

"No. For one thing, the 'moment' was gone, and besides, I don't think he really meant to kiss me."

"What?!"

"Well, I mean, I do think he would have done it if we hadn't been interrupted, but I think that he just did it because he felt bad for me because I was abandoned by my parents and boyfriend."

"Are you kidding me? He likes you, Bobby." Amy was insistent.

"I don't think so."

"So what happened after his phone rang?"

"Well, when he got back from talking on the phone, I just told him that I had done it because I was lonely, and that I thought we should just forget about it."

Dawn groaned and flopped back onto her bed. "Ugh. Do you really believe that?"

"Sort of." I murmured softly. I really did. I mean, as much as I like Shaun, I am with Aaron, and I just can't see myself ever cheating on somebody, no matter what the circumstances are. No matter how much I wanted to kiss Shaun. Even if my heart had been beating about one thousand times per minute. "But I definitely don't think that he wanted it. So even if I didn't believe what I said, it still wouldn't have been right. I don't want pity kisses."

"Even from Shaun?"

"Especially from Shaun." I liked Shaun so much, if I got anything besides completely heartfelt kisses, it would break my heart.

On Tuesday, right after the final performance, which had been a 2 o'clock matinee, I loaded my luggage for the week into Shaun's trunk. He wanted to leave early the next morning, so I was going to spend the night at his house.

"Is that everything?" He asked.

"Yep." I nodded. He slammed the trunk shut and we got into the car. "Hey, Shaun?"

"Yeah?" He started the car and pulled out of the parking spot.

"I'm hot."

"Oh, yes. You sexy beast. Oh baby, oh baby." He said sarcastically.

"I meant that my body temperature is hot, loser. But I must agree that I really am quite a gorgeous ballerina." I fluttered my eyelashes exaggeratedly, and Shaun rolled his eyes.

"Well, what am I supposed to do about the temperature thing?"

"Ice cream?"

"Fantastic idea."

Shaun and I had somehow remained comfortable together, and we could talk and joke just like we always did. I don't know why the kiss didn't bother us more, but somehow, we were both able to not allow it to make conversation awkward. I mean, it did kind of eat away at my mind, but when I was with Shaun, I just couldn't worry about anything. And I had been so determined that I wouldn't let it bother me that it didn't. Neither of us had mentioned it anymore, and we just both went back to being our normal selves. In a way, this just enforced my belief that Shaun didn't actually want to kiss me. If he had, he either would have tried to do it again or he would be uncomfortable about it, right?