Reality of Yearning (GxG)

2. Impatient

The second Sasha noticed that her mother had overslept for more than three hours, she locked the door of the bedroom and ran to the kitchen to start the usual procedure. Every single sharp utensil was locked in a box and replaced with baby feeding utensils and plastic cups, while appliances such as toaster and kettle were removed.

The next step was to call Dr Schumer to let him know a new depression was rearing its head and to double check every room of the small apartment with him on line to make sure nothing was lying around. When her mother left the bedroom to use the bathroom, Sasha let herself in and searched the room from top to bottom. She took zero pleasure in doing it, but it became both a habit and a duty for Sasha. Besides the psychiatrist, no one was able to look after her mother. And no one wanted to.

Nicole was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when Sasha was twelve years old. At the time their family had been stable, Sasha's father managing a real estate agency and her mother working in a publishing company. However, her mother's illness touched them harder than Sasha had expected, and not even a year later, she found herself alone with Nicole while her father took off without ever looking back.

Navigating through her teenage years while having to live with an ill person was complicated for Sasha. Her mother's mental instability was a topic she kept to herself and never addressed at school. She had made the mistake of confiding in the few people she had dated in high school, but the outcome had always been the same. They all ran away, looking at Sasha as if she was a walking disease, accusing her of being a psychopath, or even threatening her with restraining orders. High school was tough.

Her familiar difficulties made Sasha grow up faster than the regular teenagers around her. She was responsible of keeping the house in order, handling administrative tasks, managing the finances, and even working part time to pay for her meals and personal expenses. Her grandparents helped her with a hundred dollars each month but Sasha could barely survive with this allowance. They had advised her to use her mother's money, but that was something Sasha had always refused.

Sasha considered that if her mother was touching disability benefits it was to compensate her incapacity to work and to provide for her health, not for Sasha to buy clothes. Ever since she turned eighteen she was the guarantor of her mother's bank account, and she had never deceived this trust. The monthly amount of money was divided between rent, medical insurance, small savings in case of emergency, and extra expenses related to her mother. It was her money, not Sasha's.

Money could be a true issue in Sasha's life. Because of the exorbitant spendings, Sasha made them move to a smaller apartment with a single bedroom in order to save money on rent and invest it in a premium individual insurance for her mother that covered all medical charges. Sleeping on the couch wasn't the most pleasant situation but Sasha favored her mother's comfort over her own. At least the apartment was more modern. Dr Schumer insisted a lot on the environment and he approved of this choice of accomodation.

Having a healthy lifestyle was also crucial for a person suffering from bipolar disorder. For that reason, Sasha always made sure to fill her mother's side of the fridge with fresh organic products, she established weekly menus to make her follow a balanced diet, and she set alarms on her mother's phone to remind her to take her medication when she was at work. Dr Schumer came to their house every afternoon to spend a couple of hours with Nicole, releaving Sasha of the stress of having her mother alone a full day.

But she didn't have the choice. If she wanted to eat, Sasha had to work. Book shops, restaurants, hotels, cafes... Sasha knew them all. The only problem she encountered was to keep these jobs for more than a few months. Indeed, her mother's condition was so unpredictable that Sasha often had to jump in a bus to go home or stay with her mother when she reached her maniac phase. If this did not happen, Sasha was still clung to her phone all day long. Emails from the bank, emails from the insurer, texts from Dr Schumer, texts from the drugstore, calls from the landlord. It was unremitting.