Comfort Zone

Chapter 39

Like most women, Miriam loved chocolate. She was aware of a variety of scientific facts about it, that it's chemically similar to the love hormone phenylamine, that it's an antioxidant, that people who eat chocolate live longer. Fortunately, knowing these scientific facts did nothing to dampen her love affair. It wasn't like finding out a little too much about a crush, and having your wild infatuation die when you realize the romantically tragic look stemmed from chronic toenail fungus.

Chocolate was different.

Discover every fact about it, meet all its relatives, mix it up with any other substance, it was still superlative. Especially when working late, especially when stressed and hungry. Especially when mixed with hazelnut.

Knowing this, what she did that night seems even less likely than all the craziness she had recently experienced.

Working late, check. Stressed, obviously. Hungry, yes. And very definitely mixed with hazelnut.

Miriam was alone in the office catching up on her charts as usual. The cleaning crew had already come in and out, smiling apologetically for interrupting her, and she'd smiled apologetically back for making the messes they were scrubbing away.

They left the office tidy and smelling of air freshener, and she got up for a quick stretch. When she walked to the front window, she saw it. A beribboned box of hazelnut chocolates with a small card on top that said, "For Dr. Gotlin - Thanks for everything you do. Remember, all work and no treats..." signed with a scribble she couldn't decipher.

"Candy from strangers!" she could almost hear Mr. Pollard say, his mouth pursed into a prune, and she tried not to let the thought ruin the unexpected gift.

The box hadn't been there earlier so she ran out the door to see if she could catch her savior, but no one was there. When she came back inside she remembered the broken lock. All she needed was Angel to sail through the open door...

Miriam carried the box back into her office and pulled at the ribbons, green and red like Christmas in July.

Then she put the box down and leaned back in her chair.

Then she leaned forward and picked it up.

The process was repeated.

Eat me, I'm delicious. I melt in your mouth, exploding pleasure into your brain. You deserve me. Eat just two or three, it's not that many calories and I'm sure you can control your ravenous desire to eat the whole box, ribbons too...

Miriam salivated, the cocoa center of her brain ecstatic with expectation, and her mouth primed for pleasure.

"Looks like you're gaining weight," she suddenly remembered a patient saying.

"You have the disease of addiction," she heard herself telling another patient earlier, "but sometimes it's like the addiction has you. It means you're not in control. You have to be vigilant always. Take the first hit of crack and it gets you again."

"I just don't know how you do it, Dr. Gotlin. You stay so slim, don't smoke. How did you end up you and I ended up me? You have such discipline," she recalled the patient telling her weeks before.

"I love cigarettes," another patient had recently confided.

"But they don't love you," Miriam had said bluntly, sounding cruel even to her own ears. "It's a one-sided relationship. It's time to break up, lose that loser!

"Make a grand gesture," she'd said. "Go home now and throw out your ashtrays, go into your bottom drawer and get rid of the emergency cigarette stash I know you keep there. Get rid of your fall-back, your safety net. Do it! You have no idea how great it'll make you feel, how powerful!"

I sounded so inspiring, she thought. Damn hypocrite. Truth is I have no idea either, 'cause I've never done it myself.

How can I be an effective doctor, motivating people, if I can't change myself? She thought of Ursula Taylor jogging three miles a day.

Tonight was the night then, the grand gesture. Do it!

She could take the box with her, give it away to the cleaning crew if she could find them. They worked so hard and were so underappreciated. Or maybe bring the box home and give it to someone in her building, or...

No!

Miriam walked over to a waste basket, and emptied the box into it, watching the delectable bonbons tumble down. They still looked good, so she ran to get a bottle of rubbing alcohol before she weakened, and poured some into the basket.

She noticed that a few had escaped the deluge and remained clean and partially wrapped up, but turned away. When the gift-giver was ID'ed, she'd assure him or her that it had been delicious. Miriam smiled powerfully and went to the shelf to get a mango, another gift fresh off a patient's tree. She began to walk away, planning the wonderfully healthful dinner she would concoct.

At the door she made an abrupt turn, swiftly retrieved one—only one!—of the clean candies from the can, wrapped it in a napkin and stuffed it in her pocket.

At home she emptied all her almost spoiled vegetables out on her counter, pulling out an Indian recipe she'd wanted to try.

Her phone rang. When she returned to the kitchen an army of ants was marching toward her ingredients. She smashed them, every last one, then went ahead and cooked the curry. It was delicious, with mango for dessert, juicy and luscious.

She started to clean up, but saw a few stray ants scurrying frantically around her counter. One was hoisting a kernel of corn at least ten times its size. Miriam watched them and suddenly felt terrible.

They were the survivors of a holocaust she had caused. They were desperately looking for their mother and sister and their Uncle Al. They were annoying but hard-working and resilient. Kind of like some of the people she knew.

Impulsively, Miriam got out the chocolate candy, still wrapped in her pocket. I can do without it, she decided. Let them eat, she thought. Let them be comforted. Life is sweet after all.

A few ants surrounded the bonbon and started feeding. Miriam watched for a moment, happier, then cleaned up and went to bed.

In the middle of the night, thirsty, she went to the kitchen for a sip of water. The ants were still there, but dead, surrounding the luscious candy like a lacy halo. Miriam shook her head. She hadn't known chocolate was poisonous to ants.

Definitely should have eaten it myself, she thought.