Falling into sick

Caught

"Soda...I can't-take-it-any-more!" I spoke, choking on my words in between sobs while tears were pouring out of my eyes. We sat on the dirty tile floor of the bathroom. Blood was trickling down my arm.

Flashback
I couldn't do it. I couldn't live while Johnny and Dally were dead. I looked in the cupboard above the sink. "Come on Darry! You have to have an old razor in here somewhere," I mumbled to myself. I'm just another mouth to feed for Darry, a joke to Two-bit, a tag along to Steve, and Soda wouldn't be woken up from my nightmares ever again. I shut the cabinet door and the mirror replaced the shelves. I don't look like I used to, I have dark bags under my eyes, there's a bruise on my chin from where a Socs punched me in the halls and a scar under my chin from when I got jumped. I stepped back and slid down the wall, thumbing the piece of metal I found. I scrunched up the hoodie I had thankfully remembered to wear. See Darry! I do use my brain—when it's to hide something from you. I ran the metal teasingly over my arm a couple times, and when I did push it into my skin, there was a moment of pain and then all I felt was relief. Blood started to flow immediately. It was small trickles. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. I placed the razor above the cut, and slid it across again. It was deeper, I wasn't as scared anymore. I repeated. I held the razor over a vain, I traced over the vain. It was the biggest one I could find. I took a breath and let it out slowly. I placed the tip of the razor right below my wrist. "Why am I so nervous!" I was alone in the world. No one knew what I was planning to do. I had made Johnny talk to me when he felt like this, but right now, I had told no one. There was no one to talk to.
I took another deep breath and let it out, shaking. I noticed the tears sliding down my face, I noticed how much the sobs hurt to hold in. I noticed how hard it was to breath. I took one more deep breath and pushed the blade against my skin, but I didn't move it anywhere.
"PONYBOY! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!" Soda rammed into me, the razor went flying out of my hands. Soda started to freak out even more when he realized exactly what was happening. I stopped holding in the sob but no noise came out. I was incapable of making any noise. "Pony! What do you think you were doing?" I just sat there looking at my lap, silently crying. I couldn't meet his eyes. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't look my brother in the eyes.
"I'm sorry Soda." It was quiet and mumbled, but Soda understood. He sat beside me and hugged me. For once I didn't return one of Soda's hugs. I just sat there, quietly sobbing.
End of Flashback
"Soda....I-can't-take-it-any-more." I spoke, choking on my words in between sobs while tears were pouring out of my eyes. We sat on the dirty tile floor of the bathroom. Blood was trickling down my arm. Some of the blood would hit the floor, some would hit a towel Soda threw down. "I'm sorry Soda, don't tell Darry. Please, Soda! Don't tell him." This was not something that Darry would take easily. He would get mad and I don't want him to be worried about his younger brother trying to kill himself, I'm already a burden. I leaned my head back and closed my eyes. His presence disappeared from beside me and I felt a shiver go through my body.
I heard his gentle voice from the doorway, "Pony, could you get up and come out here?" I met his eyes for the first time but I wish I hadn't. I immediately had to look away. My body started shaking, I couldn't control anything. He grabbed my arm sharply and I let out a whimper. "Sorry," his voice sounded mad. He wasn't mad, was he? Great! I fail at killing myself and now I have two mad brothers that have to deal with me. I just stayed quiet while he wrapped my arm and observed the damage. "Pony, I'm sorry if I was never the brother you needed. I'm sorry that you felt you couldn't come to me. I'm sorry Pony! God! How did I not notice the signs!" I just repeated I was sorry and laid my head back against the wall. "Get up." It was a strict order and Soda never talked to me like that. He's always been supportive. "Pony...."
"No! I deserve to die, everyone hates me! I always mess everything up! I'm just a burden! Just let me die." I cut him off. I started off loud but my voice started to crack and soon became quiet. I don't know whether he heard the last part or not. "Don't tell Darry."
"It's too late for that Pony. He's on the couch debating between how he let you get this bad and how he's gonna help you." Soda was not offering any comfort and I just wanted to be alone.
"Leave me alone Soda!" My voice was shaking. "I just want to be alone." I was defeated. Soda was not helping me, now Darry will be mad. If I had just succeeded then they wouldn't have to deal with me. I touched my left arm. The gauss Soda used was beginning to show the blood. I started to the edge and was about to pull it off when Soda put his hand over mine.
"I'm not leaving you alone so you can try again." He put his finger under my chin and lift my head up, forcing me to look at him. "And I'm sorry, for everything. That I didn't see what was happening that I didn't come in sooner. I should have followed you in when I saw your face before you left us on the couch. Darry and I, we're not mad, we just..., are confused and want to figure out how to help you." He dropped his fingers but I continued to look in his watery blue eyes. "Will you come out so Darry can talk to you as well?" I shook my head no, but Soda grabbed my other arm and pulled me to my feet. "Come out when you're ready." And with that, he left me alone with my thoughts and dreading the thing I had to do next