Pieces of the Present - [Danona] Book Two ✓

07. silent night

She had purchased the sweater, that was no secret. There was something else she had bought; something she hadn't shared with anyone. In some ways, she hoped it would pass as a secret just between herself and the Christmas tree. Something they would look back at years later with surprise. A memory to be.

That memory to be was a small glass globe with a little red ribbon on it. Printed in black on the snow-filled glass was two little footprints and three words she had read over and over again until she had the courage to place the ornament on the tree. 

'Baby's First Christmas'

Of course, the baby wasn't exactly here yet. Still, she couldn't resist buying it the moment she had set eyes on it. They were on sale at the counter of the Baby Gap store she had gone into. Her fingers had ghosted over the delicate globe, grazing softly over the slightest indentation of the words. 

So, beneath the neatly wrapped sweater in the bottom of the Gap bag was the little glass ornament, carefully wrapped up to protect it from damage. She had waited to place it on the tree until the night of Christmas Eve when everyone had gone to sleep. She couldn't help but ask herself if she actually wanted anyone to see it. Was it just her little secret? Something small and personal that they would laugh about years later? Or was it a memoir of the moment? A reminder, no matter what happened, this chapter of their life had indeed left footprints on their pathway as a family. 

She simply wasn't sure. 

Somehow, she wanted it to be both. Even more so, she hoped that if Katie happened to see it, she might even smile. God, she missed that hundred-watt smile. The one where Katie would burst out laughing until her stomach hurt. She hadn't seen her daughter's actual smile in weeks. 

But as of right now, that little bulb on the tree that was illuminated by the glowing lights was between her and God. She had made sure to gingerly secure the red ribbon around one of the branches, terrified that it may fall and break in the night. She needed this. Just a stupid glass ornament to remind her that no matter what happened, this baby had been a part of their family. Even if it would only be for a short time. Nobody knew. Nobody really had a clue about what was going to happen— except for Katie... or maybe even Katie didn't know either. 

Once again, the self-deprecating thoughts about this situation began circling back in. Calling herself hurtful words in her mind. Was it selfish? Was it manipulative, even if that wasn't her intention? 

If Katie decided to go through with the adoption process, then they would all need to find ways to cope. To grieve. For her, it was something as small as a memory. The way her hand cradled the bottom of the bulb as she fastened it to the tree. The reflection of the tinsel and the lights glowing through the glass. Moments that fled so quickly, becoming memories between the blink of an eye. She wasn't trying to be selfish, she was only trying to cope.