BURN ; phan

f i v e

The sky was fresh like a post-card, fluffy white clouds scattered like paint thrown at a canvas. The birds chirped, it was surprisingly warmer. Nothing could go wrong under this sky, certainly. Phil Lester brought his bruised knuckles up to the Howell household for the second time that week, his tongue flicking across the corners of his mouthed. He pressed on the new bruise on his arm, anxieties drifting.

Except for this time, Jackie opened the door, and not her son. "Phil! What a lovely surprise. I'm assuming you're here for Dan?" Phil nodded with a smile. "Well, do come in." She side-stepped to make room for the athlete, shutting the door behind them. "He's in his room."

The boy nodded before climbing the stairs, his heart racing. This was the first time he was able to see Dan after he witnessed what happened between Nate and him. Of course, Phil had been suspended for starting the fight but Nate only got a stern talking to when he violated school property. Phil hadn't even hit him that hard, he hardly got a bruise. But the Harper's have money and they can make anything happen. They were a bad enemy to have and Phil had just started a fucking civil war.

He tapped on Dan's door, shuffling his feet. "Come in!" Dan shouted, when Phil opened the door he saw Dan laying on his stomach on his bed, facing away from Phil, tapping on his phone. 

Phil cleared his throat, Dan turned around, then jumped. "Holy shit you scared me, I thought you were my mom." He sat up, Phil shut the door, leaning against the wood. It clicked into place.

"What are you doing here?" He asked, brows furrowed together. Phil could see his walls were up, who's wouldn't be? He seriously watched his only friend tell the whole swim team he didn't mean anything. Guilt panged in Phil's chest, he wanted the floor to open up and swallow him whole. He wanted to disappear.

He felt like he did at home, never speaking, never living, only ghosting along. Around Dan is when he felt most at home, although they had only spent time together once, that night he felt the most like himself he has in a very long time.

"I came to apologize. Will you allow me?" He asked. He didn't want to say something Dan didn't want to hear. He hurt him, he should let Dan hear when he wants.

The younger nodded stiffly, hands toying with the loose ends on his duvet.

"I didn't mean what I said to Nate, about this being a charity case. I just wanted him to back off because he kept saying rude things about you-"

"Like what?" Dan interrupted.

"Dan, I-"

"Just fucking tell me, Phil. I'm not a kid." He squeezed his eyes shut, waiting for what Phil had to say.

"He said you were a queer, and that we did "queer things" together."

Dan breathed in harshly, exhaling through his nose before he opened his eyes. Phil continued his apology. "I know this started off as just me helping you, but I really do want to be your friend - as I've said before. I care about you, Dan, I really do. And I know it's pretty messed up to want to be your friend, but then ignore you at school, but I'm pretty messed up - and I don't think I even deserve to be around you." He looked down at his feet. "And I'm not trying to get pity, that's just how I feel."

"I get it. Images and such."

Phil shut his eyes, the guilt boiled in his stomach like soup. He swallowed the acid rising in his throat. He was so shallow and fake. His dad would be disappointed. His dad would never want Phil to be the way he was - he never wanted a son who cared so much about what other people thought that it would tear him in two. He would sit Phil down, hand on his shoulder and say:

"Don't let people divide you from who you want to be, and who you really are. Stay true to yourself and those who are really there for you. The others will either see you for you or leave, they aren't worth your time."

"I don't want that to be why, though." Phil glared down at the corner of the room, where the paint met the carpet. Divided but connected. Dan and Phil: divided but connected.

"What?"

"I don't want that, but I- I don't know how to stop. I don't know who I am, I don't know myself."

He heard shuffling, but he didn't look up. He didn't look up until Dan's bare feet were in his line of vision and the boy took Phil's cheeks in his hands. Brown against blue, Dan's eyes washed over Phil so intensely he thought he would shatter like his mirror he punched last night when Dan wouldn't answer his text.

"I know that you are a kind, and loving, and so very loyal boy. I know that you are creative and funny and intelligent. But I also know that you have this hurt deep down, a hurt that I can't help you find. You have to find it on your own. And I think that can destroy you, though, reliving everything. But I also believe that is what can help you grow. You either bend or break, which one is it, Phil?"

Phil wrapped his slender fingers around Dan's wrist, feeling his pulse through his fingertips. Dan didn't move his hands and Phil didn't want him to.

"I want to be whatever you are." He admitted.

Dan smiled sadly, bringing the older boy in for a hug. Phil laid his head on Dan's shoulder, hands on the small of his back, he inhaled his shampoo, burying his face into the crook of his neck. "I just want to be with you."

"I want to be with you, too," Dan mumbled, squeezing him harder. "Will you stay with me tonight?" he asked without moving, neither of them did.

"Only if you let me." It was Friday after all.

"You're always welcome with me."

a/n

wowie i really like this one

also its No Homo But I Want To Be With You, not uwu i wanna be with you 

gross phil's homophobic remember