Reputation

Pilot

Spinel

What am I doing?

That has always been a question that has haunted me for decades. Centuries. The uncertainty when it comes to making a decision, because I never had the chance to do it before. Maybe that's why I messed up. And had to leave.

All of this pent up confusion, frustration, and anger. It caused so much pain, all because I was in pain. I pinch the bridge of my nose with one hand, careful not to obscure my vision of what's in front of me. And another hand on the steering wheel of the ship.

I didn't want to leave, but I had to. I had to get out. I had to have space to think, actually figure out what I want to do next. How could I explain that to the Diamonds? Especially when they think that everything is now perfect. But it isn't.

Even after Steven had let me go back to Homeworld, I had just tried to go back to who I was. I tried to look past my own mistakes, and put my smile back on my face. Try to laugh and play. Be exactly who I was before all of this.

But I couldn't.

Maybe it was because the Diamonds thought I would be able to change back into my original form. At least after the first few weeks. Even if they accept other gems that are who they want to be, and not who they were made to be.

They don't expect that out of me. They still wanted me to entertain them. They want me to be happy. But I don't think they truly know what I have done. All they know is what has happened to me. They don't understand. I don't even think I understand anymore.

I hear a call being sent to the ship, instead of answering, I let the empty ringing fill my head. Maybe I should go back, try to explain how I feel and why I had left. But I'm almost there. And I don't think I can go back, especially when there isn't any old part of me to go back with.

I grip the steering wheel harder. I had stood there in my own ignorance for so long. Long enough to start to hate the person I was standing in. Long enough to go crazy having to put on that mask again, even when I was 'saved'. Even when they tried to give me a reason for me to feel happy. It might feel weird not to smile after all those years, but at least no one is forcing me to put it on.

This frown, it's mine, it's me. At least, right now. And at this point, I don't know if I can smile anymore, for myself or for the Diamonds. I don't want to think about how they would react if they could see me now. Or if they knew what I had done...

I get a beep from the ship, jerking myself out of my thoughts. I am almost there. Nerves creep up my spine the more I evaluate my poorly thought out plan. Where can I go after I land? What will I do now that I had just...left?

Before I can do anything, the ship begins it's descent.