Coming Out

Part Twenty

Being without Jorge is like not being able to breathe. My chest aches to every thought of him. Food doesn't taste the same, colors have faded, and what used to be my favorite sounds have become unbearable.

It's only been a couple days, but I haven't slept at all, and keep losing weight to lack of eating. I haven't gotten out of bed except to shower and change, but somehow my bed is the last place I want to be. Almost every memory I have with Jorge is on this bed. This is where I confessed my love for him. We'd spend all weekend together, on my bed because it was one of the few places we could be together. We made love here and fought here.

After that night at the party, Drew walked me home. We were both too drunk to drive, but he wanted to make sure I was okay.

"I don't understand why you didn't just tell me. I'm your best friend, Benji."

"I don't know. I was scared, I guess," I sniffled.

"It doesn't matter who you want to date. I mean what you do together is between you and him," Drew laughed and lifted his hands in the air, signaling he didn't want to know. "But as long as you're happy."

"I fucked everything up, though. He's never going to forgive me."

"Do you love him?"

"So much," I looked at Drew so he knew I was serious.

"Then give him the space he needs, but don't stop fighting for him. Don't stop fighting to make it up to him."

I sigh at the memory. If I had just told him sooner, none of this would've happened. I could be with Jorge right now, getting ready for school and making faces at him in the mirror as he does his hair. Instead, I'm trying not to throw up thinking about what's going to happen when I see Jorge at school today.

"Mom, do I really have to go?" I groan and give my mom the best pouty face I can with the little energy I have left.

"Benji, I don't know what happened exactly, but you have to go to school," She knows the Jorge and I broke up, but I didn't have it in me to tell her it was because I cheated. I didn't want my mom to be mad at me, too.

I roll my eyes in frustration and grab a banana, in hopes I'll get some of my appetite back, and run outside to leave for school.

***

School wasn't as bad as I thought, almost everyone knew what happened over the weekend, but nobody said anything to me about it. It was almost like nobody cared, which made me feel stupid because I was so worried they would.

I knew lunch was going to be hard. Jorge and I have the same friends and we all sit together, everyday. I thought about just leaving for lunch, or maybe sitting somewhere else, but I need to see him. Even if it hurts, just to watch his lips move when he talks or to watch the way his curly hair bounces when he moves. It'll break me all over again, probably him too, but I need it.

I spot his small body across the lunch room. For a second I forgot and smiled at the boy's back, but remembered when I saw his face. His eyes are bloodshot and puffy. His checks are red and his hairs a mess. He looks like he hasn't slept either. My stomach turns knowing it's my fault.

"Hey," I say sitting down next to Drew. Everyone stops talking and looks at me. I look at Jorge, who's staring at his lap with a blank expression. I look at his lunch and notice he hasn't eaten anything. I hope it's because lunch just started and not because he throws up everything he eats, just like me.

"Hey, Benji," Drew smiles at me. I wait for everyone's conversation to start again, but we sit in silence, nobody wanting to break it yet.

"Benji? Jorge?" Laney taps on my shoulder. Jorge lifts his head to look at her. "Uh, I just wanted say I'm really sorry. I didn't know."