Help~Sincerely Three (a Dear Evan Hansen fanfiction) COMPLETED

Chapter Nineteen-Waiting For You

Connor

When Heidi gave us the news, I didn't know what to feel. Now, as we're sitting around the living room, all waiting for just one phone call, I still don't know what the fuck I should be feeling.

I could have stopped him. I could have drove over here last night, just in case. Just to make sure he was okay. Clearly, he wasn't, and he would be perfectly okay right now if I had just stepped in.

Jared still thinks that it's his fault, and no matter how much effort I put into trying to convince him otherwise, he won't stop blaming himself.

Whatever caused Evan to actually take the stupid pills had to have been the final straw. It might have been me, or it may have been Jared to set him off, but he was obviously becoming more and more stressed over time.

"What happened to your hand?" Heidi asks, breaking silence that had been going on for at least twenty minutes. Jared is cuddled up next to me, his arms wrapped around my shoulder.

"What?" I tilt my head.

Fuck.

"Your hand. I saw it bleeding when you walked in."

"I don't know what you mea-" I say, but I'm immediately caught off guard by Jared grabbing the hand that I had shoved in my pocket for the past hour and a half.

"The hell happened?" He asks, his tone serious. I yank my arm away from him.

"It's nothing, Jare. I cut my hand on the car door when I left." He shoots me an unsure look.

"Can I take a look at it? I'm sure you haven't cleaned it out, if you cut it on metal it might get infected." Heidi says, a small smile on her face. I shift incomfortably.

"I'm fine, really."

"Evan would want you to." Jared mumbles into my shoulder. I sigh.

"Fine. But you have to move so I can get up." He grumbles a quick, 'fuck you', standing and trailing behind me as follow Heidi into the bathroom. Jared sits on the toilet seat, and Heidi sits next to me on the edge of the bathtub. She takes my hand, examinating my palm.

"I need you to take off your sweater so that I can clean it properly." She says, all nurse-like. I guess since she is one, she's qualified to talk like one. My eyes widen.

"I can't." I let my shoulders slump as Jared scans my eyes.

Before today, I hadn't cut since right before the mental ward. That's right around five months.

With a sigh, I lock eyes with Jared and carefully slide my arms out of my hoodie, grimacing as what I assume as dried blood catches onto the fabric.

Why do people always find out about these things?

I don't even want to look at Heidi's reaction. The sadness in Jared's eyes is more than enough for me, and I can only imagine what's going through this poor woman's head.

I'm a bad influence on Evan.

He doesn't need somebody like me in his life.

I'm the reason he tried.

"You didn't clean any of these out. You're going to get sick." She huffs out, grabbing a bottle of rubbing alcohol from a drawer under the sink. "This is going to sting a bit." Jared carefully laces our fingers together. Why he wants to hold my hand after this, I have no clue, but he does anyways. A hissing pain shoots through my arm as Heidi dabs a cloth onto my forearm, and I wince, gripping onto Jared's hand tighter.

°°°
Evan:

They let me sit in the corner of the room instead of on the bed. Not only is the bed uncomfortable, but I probably look hella ugly laying down in it, and sitting up feels weird, unlike the corner of the room. In the corner of the room, your back has something to lean on, and you don't have to deal with the pressure of people expecting you to lay down.

I hate this.

I hate it so much.

When I had been dumping the pills into my mouth, I prayed that I wouldn't make it. That whatever higher power exists had the decency to let me die.

Now, I wish that I hadn't done it. I wish that I could be home on my couch, cuddled up with Connor and Jared, telling horrible jokes and not constantly wanting to bang my head against the wall.

The good news is that they'll be calling my mom soon, and once they do, I can have visitors.

The bad news is that they're considering making me go back. I know they are. They asked all of the questions they did last time, made me go through all of the same procedures.  Once my mom gives the okay for me to go, I'll be off and away.

I've only been out for around five months now.

And I'm already going back.