Inbred Fire

dear Grace

I know for sure that you will never find this. Maybe that's partly why I had the courage to start writing it. Partly also is because I want to tell you all this but I cannot because I would be the weak one and it would another addition to the drama I have already made. I also have a strong feeling that by now you hate me , you must really hate me.

I wish I could hate you too and erase you from my mind completely. I wish I could just let you drown into the ocean of nothingness like the rest of the past but it's proving difficult.

So here I am writing half hoping that you would come across this, half knowing that that would never happen.

The fault is not yours , it's mine , for falling for you. I fell so hard for you that I was willing to let go of my belief in same sex relationships. For the one month or so you brought me to realise that maybe I wasn't as broken as I thought I was. That I wasn't the one always on the fault and taught me to only apologize when I had done wrong. You made me laugh, smile ,long and put back back on my sexy goody shoes on . I thought I had lost that a long time ago.

You were the spark that I had not known I needed, only that you were a stolen spark and guilt hovered over me for having stolen you. My sodden soul convinced me that you were struggling caught in between trying to keep up with me and hold on to your boyfriend. I know you truly deeply love him. I hope and pray he loves you that deeply too. I hope he will never hurt you and if accidentally he ever does that he will apologize wholly . I hope he will never leave , I hope he will never lust on others and I hope yours becomes a path of a happily ever after.

And so I left just like I had asked to walk in.

I thought and had convinced myself it wouldn't hurt . I thought I would quickly be gone. But I was wrong and by evening I knew it . I came to see you,but I was a coward and when you asked me I quickly brushed it off like it was easy , I laughed and later bombed your phone home with text messages asking you to take me back.

You texted no and it stung. I didn't want to ask why because I was scared. But you asked me if I didn't want to know the why? And after that it all went downhill. There's is never enough of replaying these events and sometimes I wake up and wish I could change things and go back to sleep dreaming of me and you .

It should never be, will never be and should never have been.

But somehow I still do love you .

And hope it fades away just as it crept in to my sodden heart ...