¡ TW: mentions of self hatred !
002
it was in the beginning of junior high when renjun realized he didn't like himself that much. maybe it was the way he looked like a completely different person when he stared at a mirror for too long, or the way he couldn't even recognize his own voice at times, or even the moments where he would cry because he wanted so badly to be anyone else but himself – they all haunted him. the feelings of deep hatred and disgust for everything he was made up of – they drowned him. greed, envy, and wrath feasted upon this poor boy's heart. the seven deadly sins broke him down until he felt like nothing, he felt like millions of scattered pieces amongst the sky: broken stars. everything that made up who renjun was, he hated it all.
as much as he wanted to disappear, disintegrate into a fine powder of loneliness and despair – the people in his life slowly gathered his broken pieces and tried their best to put him back together.
during renjun's last year of junior high, a transfer student was put into his first period. the boy sat near the back of the classroom and kept to himself all the time, but gods, was he cute. renjun noticed the distant male would regularly hide his face behind a book or lay his head down on the table as if he were sleeping, which he probably was. he really couldn't help but glance at him from time to time, taking in the gentle view of this unknown boy and his permanent bed head. he was ethereal, in renjun's eyes. he could feel it in his soul just how beautiful the boy in the back of the class was.
it was on a thursday afternoon when he introduced himself as 𝐥𝐞𝐞 𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐡𝐲𝐮𝐧𝐠 (after renjun "accidentally" threw him a fruit by the foot during their lunch break)—but he insisted on being called 𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐤, after all, that's what his friends called him back in canada. mark was only in korea for a few months, seeing as his father had some business to take care of here, so it really saddened renjun when he realized they wouldn't spend enough time together. he really thought mark would be the one – his first crush, his first kiss, his first everything. renjun thought the universe was being unfair.
when the time came, and mark had climbed into the back seat of the car, renjun heard him yell "i'll never forget you!" right before the car drove away and renjun never saw him again.
mark left something in renjun that made him want to spill his guts out from pain—he promised he would never let it happen again. (aren't promises meant to be broken, renjun?)
𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐤: a 𝐁𝐋𝐀𝐂𝐊 𝐇𝐎𝐋𝐄 straight through renjun's heart.
❁
huang renjun doesn't like himself that much. it's true, he doesn't. but it's okay, because at least other people do.
people like jeno.
jeno likes (loves) renjun. he likes his voice, his soft hair, and the way he let's out a soft laugh whenever jeno says something stupid. yeah, jeno definitely likes him.
he's too scared to admit it, though.
there's a heavy pain that pierces through his heart every time he thinks about renjun for too long. his thoughts become muddled and his skin feels like it's on fire – wasn't love supposed to feel like a gentle hand against your face? so then, why the hell did it feel like violent wave crashes and the sound of broken glass?
❁
it's 11:26 pm and jeno is sat outside on his windowsill, legs tucked under his chin as he stares up at the sky. the sky knows all his secrets. his fears. his feelings. the sky has known lee jeno inside and out ever since that boy could talk. the moon knows lee jeno more than lee jeno knows himself.
if everyone forgets about jeno, at least the moon will remember him.
"if i tell you about him, for the third time tonight, will you listen?"
silence. nature's blissful melody. but for jeno this noise was agonizing, all he wanted was for the moon to look down at him with a face full of sincerity as it nodded. but here he was – staring up at the sky waiting for an answer that would never come.
a loud sigh filled the air, "sometimes i wish you could talk." jeno whispered.
the last thing the moon saw that night was the helpless boy crawl back into his room, shut the window, and turn off the lights.
