005
never was it in renjun's plan to fall asleep with his best friend, and honestly he didn't know why he made it out to be such a big deal because everyone has fallen asleep with their best friend, right? not that renjun should've cared (really, he shouldn't have) but something about waking up to jeno's hand engulfing his with sun-kissed warmth, his eyes fluttering lightly as the stars peeked through the white curtains―it was something about jeno being oh, so peacefully breathtaking that made renjun's heart speed up.
and renjun's heart never speeds up like that.
so there the boy was, heart thumping against his rib cage so harshly he was afraid they would break, sheets tangled around him. renjun lightly yanked at his hair as he tries to grasp the foreign idea, "i slept next to a boy." he whispered.
renjun was an over thinker just as much as he was a loud thinker, and most of the time it never worked out for him. this boy had so much going through his purple bruised heart and not enough space in his mind that he began to spill words from his lips. lips so careless and soft he developed a habit of biting them without thinking, just like he was right now. the harder his mind worked the harder he bit his lip, he began sensing the familiar metal-tasting drips on his tongue.
renjun was overthinking such a simple situation.
"i slept next to a boy..." renjun chanted under his breath, like a mantra, over and over until his tongue got tied and his heart was hypnotized.
"i slept with you." renjun muttered, so faint and soft, if he hadn't turned to look at jeno then maybe he wouldn't have gasped so loudly. loud enough to wake jeno up. (it wasn't renjun's fault jeno took his breath away.)
it took five seconds for jeno's eyes to adjust to the dim darkness (no renjun had not been counting) and silence lingered for two seconds before jeno began to speak (no, renjun had not been counting.)
every second matters, huang renjun, and you know it.
"...renjun? you okay?"
renjun thought he might have exploded right then and there. jeno's voice sent shivers down his spine and goosebumps on his arms rough and soft like honeycomb, renjun's ears began to ring from holding his breath in for so long. he thought that maybe if he didn't make a sound then jeno would fall back asleep and forget the whole thing.
"renjun?"
or maybe not.
"y-yeah?" what an idiot.
"is everything okay?" jeno asked, renjun couldn't see through the dark but he knew that by now jeno would've shown every physical sign of concern.
renjun felt the bed move before a hand place itself against his cheek, making him gasp even louder.
"oh, sorry." jeno whispered, quickly retracting his hand.
"it's fine, jen, i was just shocked." renjun spoke. it really was true, he didn't expect jeno to do something like that but that didn't mean he hated it, in fact...he kind of hoped he would do it again.
"why are you awake?" jeno questioned.
renjun couldn't see right now but jeno had began to bloom fire across his cheeks, and jeno thanked the darkness for hiding it.
"i-it was nothing, i just uhm," renjun quickly tried to think of an excuse, "uhm, just – seoli jumped out of bed and it scared me a little." he giggled.
jeno laughed, it came out more like a soft hum from being awake for less than 3 minutes, but it was so soothing to renjun's ears. he didn't think jeno could have such an effect on him like this.
"oh, well, are you going to go back to sleep?"
"i will in a bit, jen. im sorry i woke you." renjun assured, slightly relieved that jeno was able to believe his lie.
"s'fine..." jeno paused, "jun?"
"hmmm?"
"hold my hand?" jeno timidly asked, almost sure that renjun would laugh and think he was joking, but he really wasn't. it was hard enough for jeno to fall asleep at all most nights, but with his source of comfort right beside him, he hoped he would make it easier.
"s-sure." renjun replied, his heart picking up its pace and his spit becoming harder to swallow as he searched for jeno's hand under the covers without a single source of light.
soon enough the boys lay sprawled on the bed, feet tangled together with the sheets, thoughts running through their heads and hands clasped together.
renjun couldn't possibly know, but jeno never fell asleep that night. he smiled as renjun's thumb drew circles on his palm, he smiled as renjun fell back asleep as peacefully as he could just before the crack of dawn―he smiled because he knew renjun hadn't gasped because of seoli...because seoli never left the bed. she lay curled up in a ball near jeno's pillow, the same exact way she was when they all fell asleep.
"so then, could you have possibly gasped because of me, my dear star boy?"
he turned his head towards renjun, the sun crawling it's way over the horizon making him look as ethereal as ever. something in jeno's head made him think of all the million things that could happen if he just kissed those honey tea lips of renjun's, probably tasting of saturday nights and cinnamon. he wished upon every single star for something to completely take over and make his lips fall on the latter's, eyes closed and breath steady, their lips taking them on a space trip like a fucking drug – the drugs that his mama used to tell him to stay away from.
no, jeno, don't think of him like that.
but he did think of him like that.
when he laughed like that.
when he talked like that, when he stared at him with his heaven filled eyes like that.
of course jeno thought of him like that.
"i wasnt made for this. i wasn't made to have my heart suffocate because of all the butterflies and love-sick songs that have buried themselves in. i wasn't made to love this hard, too hard – and for someone who doesn't even know it."
(we are all made of things we can't handle. it's just a matter of time before you break.)
so, dear jeno, when will you break?
