secret lovesong

17

Rye

His eyes were filling up with tears. His beautiful blue ocean eyes. I had to look away, because I couldn't see Andy hurt. Hurt because of me.

He told me, that he loved me and I freaked out. I freaked out because suddenly I had become aware of how real this thing between us was. I'd never had a serious relationship. Of course I'd had relationships with many girl before but none of them had really meant something to me. I had always wondered why it'd been so difficult for me to open up to the girls and I had never said 'I love you' back.

The girls had gone used to it, because they thought that had been just my personality. A boy who didn't talk that much about his feelings. In their eyes I hadn't had to tell them, they'd just assumed that I'd loved them back.

The truth was, I hadn't loved them. I only had loved one person so far. But now I had hurt this one person, who meant the world to me, the first person I wasn't afraid to open up. I freaked out, because I was too scared to accept my feelings for the blonde small boy in front of me.

"Why?", Andy's voice was quiet and shaking. "I don't love you, well, I do but not the same way you love me. You're my best friend, Andy, you have always been and I don't want to lose that!", I whispered back and the sick feeling in my stomach got heavier with every word that was coming out of my mouth, with every lie that slipped off my lips.

"You're lying, Rye! I know you are! Tell me that there isn't more than friendship you're feeling for me. Tell me it haven't felt like coming home the first time we kissed. Tell me you have felt more for the girls you've kissed before me. Tell me they were exactly what you want. I love you, Rye! I want to scream it out loud, I want to show everybody that I love you. That you are my best friend and that I love so much that it makes me sleepless at night, when you're not near me. Rye, please! I love you!".

Tears were running down his cheeks now, while he was struggling to keep his voice low. He didn't want Alex to hear our fight. I knew that he was right, but how could it be possible to stay best friends while loving each other? How would the others react? What would my family think? What if he one day would decide to leave me? I knew, he had promised to never leave me, but so did Mikey and he left anyway. How could I trust his words without getting hurt in the end? "It's complicated!", I whispered, still too afraid to look him into the eyes.

"Can we get this straight?! This isn't an one sided thing! We love each other! I'm just more open about it! I'm not a little scared Bitch!". Now it was my turn to get angry. I got that he was angry and hurt, but he had gone too far with insulting me. "I'M NOT A BITCH!", I shouted. Andy flinched at my sudden outburst. "You know what, Andy? This is getting too far for me! I'm leaving!", I told him and left the room.

Alex turned around in his chair as I entered the room. "Hey, Rye, everything's alright? I heard you shouting.", he asked and I nodded. "Yeah, everything's alright! Just a little fight about Mikey, how he has told everyone that he's leaving the band except me.", I lied and shrugged my shoulders, trying to look as if I didn't care.

Emotionless Rye was back.

Alex raised his eyebrows, giving me a sceptical look but he decided that it was better not ask any further.
"I'm finished. We can upload the video!", he announced. "Just on time!", I heard a voice behind me and turned around. Andy was walking in. His eyes were still a little red but you couldn't really tell if he had been crying or not. He grabbed the vlog camera and put a fake smile on. I put the same fake smile on my face and together with Alex we filmed the uploading of the music video and the official end for our BTS to the Billie Eilish cover.

//

Andy and I didn't talk much during our ride back home. I was still pissed and confused, Andy was still hurt. I could tell by his eyes and the way he curled into a little ball on the back of the car, trying to shut himself out of the world. I glanced back a thousand times during the ride to get a look at Andy and it hurt me every time although I was still angry.