secret lovesong

21

Rye

You could hear a pin needle falling on the floor, because it was dead silent in the room. Only the steady sizzling of Jack's food was heard and the heavy breathing of three boys. Jack looked at us in shock, not knowing what to think about the current situation, while I was just staring at Andy. I knew, why he had sung that song.

Damn you, Ed Sheeran. Damn you, for your awful beautiful songs, that spoke the words I was too afraid to say out loud.

Eventually I heard Jack clearing his throat. I kept my eyes on Andy, when Jack started speaking. „I'm just gonna go and look for Brook. Yep, I'm grabbing my food and leave you two alone. Right now!", he mumbled more to himself than actually addressed to us. I decided to remain silent and continued looking at Andy instead. The blonde boy started to squirm uncomfortably under my stare and didn't dare to look me in the eyes. He knew, what he just had done.

Jack hurried to get his food out of the pan. I heard glass breaking and the pan getting smashed into the sink, but I didn't care. Andy flinched at every noise Jack made and I silently cursed at the Irish boy, because he took way too long to get his stuff together.
Before Jack left the room I glanced at the younger boy for a second. His cheeks were blushed and he looked shocked and confused about what he'd just witnessed. Maybe he was overreacting, because I hadn't perceived the situation to be so obvious. But something in Jack's eyes showed me, that he knew, what had happened between Rye and me. He knew and it confused and freaked him out to death.

As soon as the brown haired guy had slammed the door behind him shut, I turned back to Andy. He was still staring at the floor as I slowly scooted over to him. After a few seconds of just sitting next to the panicking boy, the guitar keeping our bodies from touching, I was the first one to speak. „I think we need to talk, Andy.", I whispered shyly. I prayed, that I did not read the signs wrong and Andy was still feeling the same way as I felt about him. Otherwise this whole thing could turn really embarrassing. But as soon as Andy raised his head up and I caught his eyes, his beautiful blue teared up eyes, I knew, that I'd been right.

He still loved me.

I felt like a heavy stone had been lifted from my body, that I hadn't even noticed pushing me down, 'til now. I immediately felt better, although I looked at the blonde boy in front of me, who was nearly on the edge of passing out. I opened my mouth to say something, but got cut off, when Andy started to talk.

„Listen, Rye! I'm sorry, okay? I've tried, I've really tried to be just friends with you, but it's too hard. I can't do it. I was heartbroken, when you told me, that you didn't like me the way I like you and I swear, the following days felt worse, than every break up I've been trough. I was so mad at you, so angry, that you raised my hopes up, just to let me crash down, when you got scared.

But you were still the first person I wanted to talk to, after my Mum called. You have always been the first person I wanted to talk to and you'll always be the first one and I hate myself for it, because you're the best friend I've ever had and I had to destroy everything. I'm sorry, I'm really sorry.

I shouldn't have used the situation of you being devastated, because of your ex for my own good. You were drunk and confused and I just went along with it. I didn't care, because I was finally happy. It felt so good to be happy for once and I was selfish and used you being confused. I'm sorry for forcing you into something that you're not.

When you took me to your home, after our fight and my Mum's phone call, I've realized how much I needed you. In that night I swore to myself, that I could be just friends with you, because I didn't want to lose you. I needed you in my life, because you gave me the feeling that I was able to handle all the shit. You went along with it and you seemed to be so happy to have our friendship back. On the one hand I was happy too. Happy, that we were talking again. Happy to have you in my life and spend time with you, but on the other hand it hurt.

It hurt every day, every minute you were near me and I couldn't touch you. I was afraid to brush your arm on accident, because I was scared you might notice that I was still in love with you, freak out and leave me for good this time. It hurt every time we were scrolling through our phones and you liked a picture of a girl, because I noticed that you would never be mine. It hurt so bad and I'm done. I'm done destroying myself. I'm done pretending something, that isn't true.

I love you, Rye.

I want to scream it out loud. I want to tell the boys. I want to tell poor Jacky not to worry, because he really seemed to be freaked out. I want to sing the songs I wrote for you on stage, in front of our fans and tell them, that they're about you. I'm sorry Rye. I know I messed up and I hate myself more than ever, because I destroyed everything and-".

And I couldn't take his rambling any longer. I grabbed the guitar and threw it next to him on the couch. It slipped on the floor with a bang, but I didn't care. Before Andy had the chance to say something I cupped his face with my hands and planted my lips on his. I sighed at the feeling of his warm lips on mine, because I had missed it so much. Andy immediately melted into the kiss. I felt him getting weak under my touch and my heart was about to burst.

All the words Andy had poured out, had hurt me. I hadn't noticed how much the older boy had actually suffered under my actions and words during the last weeks and it made me feel sick. He had pretended to be someone he was not, just to be with me. I hated myself for putting him through all this stupid stuff, just because I'd freaked out over one „I love you". Over three words I'd died to hear from him for years now.

When we parted from the kiss, panting and shaking, I couldn't help but smile at the other boy. My heart swelled at the sight of Andy, cheeks flushed, the blonde hair messy from my hands. „I really think, we have to clear some things!", I chuckled and Andy blushed even more. I planted a little kiss on his lips, before I leaned back and looked at him. He scooted away from me a little and I tried not to smile, when he finally spoke, trying to hide the trembling in his voice.

„Speak!".

A/N

I've listened to „Falling" by Harry Styles, while I wrote Andy's words. It hurt my heart, because it fits to perfectly.

God, I love Harry!

One more chapter left. The final reveal of Andy's secret lovesong and Rye's reaction.

Lots of love xx