Nobody Likes The Gray Area

Nightmares Never Rest

    I hug my knees and slowly rock back and forth, trying to lull myself back into a state of mental stability. My shoulders are tense, and my arms are aching from holding myself so tight. My mind replays the chaotic scene over and over, the disturbing noises of a massacre relentlessly blaring in my ears. I wince with each BOOM! of a gun, and suck in a shaky breath with the following screams of those that were in its aim.

    I had managed to keep my mind off of it for the rest of the day after I almost cried in math class, but your subconscious has a funny way of coming back to get you in your dreams. At least I don't dream about it every night like I used to.

   I wipe my tears and try to practice regulating my breathing again.

  Inhale...exhale...inhale...exhale...

    When I'm calm enough to think clearly, I get up and quietly walk around the house a bit to get the rest of the nervous energy out of my body. I go downstairs to kitchen and grab a bag of chips from the cabinet. Then, I return to my room and crawl back into bed where I begin to each then and fiddle around with my phone.

    After I finish the bag, I find that I'm unable to fall back asleep because of the lingering emptiness I feel from the nightmare. I go to my contacts and text a friend, hoping he's awake. It's only midnight.

Me: Hey u awake?

    I wait for about five minutes...then ten. The void expands as I struggle to accept that he's not awake. Fifteen minutes pass, and I cope with a low quality Netflix movie until I fall asleep again. Even as the movie plays, the negative sensation still lurks.

    I don't want to be alone again.

...

    The bell rings, signaling the end of first block. I sling my bag over my shoulders and trek to History. My stomach begins to hurt and my hands grow sweaty with anticipation.

   When I arrive at my second block, I spot Huey reading a book in his seat and go sit beside him.

  "Hi," I say.
    He looks up at me as I sit down.
  "Hey," he replies.
  "Did you get my text last night?"
  "Oh, I just saw it in first block. Sorry, I felt like it would've been too late to reply," he explains.
  "Did your phone not go off last night, though?" It almost sounds like an interrogation.

    I know I'm getting pushy, but I guess I just want to take my frustration out on someone. And I feel like he wasn't there for me, so he makes a good option at the time.

  "I make sure to put my phone on 'Do Not Disturb' before bed so I get a full 8 hours of sleep," he says. "You should try it."
  "Well, I couldn't sleep last night," I reason.
  "Looking at a blue screen after 6 PM can cause sleep problems and insomnia," he suggests.
    I shake my head. "No, that wasn't the reason."
    He raises his eyebrow. "Then, what was the reason?"

    I catch myself and become conscious in the conversation.

  Shut up! Don't make this awkward.

    I shrug and purse my lips. "Oh, I guess it was just one of those nights."
    He nods and goes back to reading his book.

    I prop my arm up on my desk and rest my cheek on my fist. I wish I could tell him. It would take some weight off of me, but it would make things awkward between us since we just met yesterday. I also just don't enjoy reliving the situation in the first place.

    I start to consider getting back in contact with my therapist when I feel eyes on me. I look to my side and see Huey still reading his book. Then, look forward again. The feeling returns, but I ignore it and blame it on mental illusions.

    Throughout class, the teacher avoids eye contact with Huey. It's a little awkward watching it happen, but funny at the same time. Huey, of course, is unphased by the teacher's behavior and goes about his business as usual. The class is pretty peaceful today.

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Sorry the chapter is super short but I'm uploading another one right after this. I just feel like adding them together to have one chapter would make them clash Bc this chapter is sad and the next is happy lol ✌🏾