It hurts, when they leave.
When you grew together, saw time pass together, laughed and talked about things and people passing by together. When you saw them young and then mature, once shy but now bright and bold. When you thought that those days could last, that the blooming flowers proved your blooming relationship. When you though basking in the summer heat, enjoying the summer breeze, would be enough to convince them to stay. To not leave when the hard days come.
But then the day comes anyway. When my fear of losing who I held dear gave me no other choice but to give in and let go. When the constant leaves of my life lose connection and fall away. Breaking apart, little by little, as if it were a tease to give me pain by centimeter and not all at once. I'd rather let go at once then be given piece by piece, giving me hope every time but only to be crushed again.
It's hard, hard seeing them. Those you thought you knew well, changing who they are, their colors to fall away. Thinking that once, they were like you. Sharing your dreams, laughing at the same things, encouraging one another as one team. But then you see them change like the rest. Reminding you that you are different. That I am different, apart from others.
I am not worthy of their stay, their presence. I am not good enough to be held onto. I am not a great friend nor a great being.
I am dull.
Yet one stayed. One who also grew with me and taught me to invest my heart in our Creator and not in creations. I learned that He is my constant as the seasons change.
When others leave, changing themselves to be like the rest, like the world, and leave me alone, it's okay. When all the memories remain just that- memories, it's okay. When the words and scenery that once made us laugh now make us smile sadly remembering the good old days, it's okay.
It feels weird to be slightly, somehow alone. But I know now that I am not fully alone and there is more to come. This season alone will make me stronger and I will grow. Stronger and more beautiful than ever. It will only prove who stays true and that I myself must be true.
True to myself in being honest, strong and willing to persevere. I may not be like others but I am me.
I am a tree.
It has never been easy to enter to new seasons. To love and lose, to hold onto and let go. To enter new birth as spring comes. To feel the cool breeze signaling new flowers coming, new hope arising, new beauty blooming. To bask in the sunlight as summee arrives. To feel cool water running through my roots as the ground above melts gleefully in long awaited heat. And now here comes fall, the most painful perhaps. To understand and to love, must be to give and let go. To be willing to do what it takes for yourself to grow, knowing your growth will help others and lead them too.
Everyone has their time and season. Everyone experiences loss and abundance. But I came to realize, if I can be cultivated to grow stronger through winter, to bloom in spring and stay strong in summer, so can you.
***
Audio version of this story comes out on September 5, 2021!
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