~Rewritten from August 2019 to October 2019~
A relationship like theirs shouldn't work. They're too busy chasing their own demons and running from what haunts them on a daily basis. Love has no place between them, and their hearts are not habitable...
It's weird, but the more I find myself relating to love songs, the more scared I become of myself.
The nightmares of that night are coming back. I haven't had them since my second year in prison. Even thirteen years later, I remember it in such vivid detail, every single detail.
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"What's this?"
Vanessa turned to me absentmindedly, adjusting her yellow crop top on her body as I held up an empty condom wrapper that most certainly didn't belong to me. Her eyes widened slightly, the air conditioner blowing strands of her golden air across her face.
"Yours," she shrugged. She couldn't even come up with a convincing lie.
"Bullshit, I don't use that brand." I tried being patient with her because whenever I try to express my feelings anymore, it's met with animosity. "What the fuck is going on?"
She just shook her head. "Not now, Robin."
"No," I seethed. "I'm tired of this. Tell me the truth right now."
"What truth?" she snapped at me. "I don't know what the fuck you're talking about."
"Are you cheating on me?" It was a question exchanged between us often. Each time, her answer was the same, and this was no exception.
"No! God, you're so God damn paranoid!" She stood to her feet. "Look, are we going to the party or not?"
"No," I tossed the wrapper on her beige sheets. "I don't want to fucking go anymore."
"But you promised!"
"Well, I feel like I'm not the only one to break promises right now."
That clearly wasn't the end of it. I knew she was lying to me, but I didn't understand the extend of it. So I had one of my friends, Ivan, ask around and get information. He was one of those friends who knew everything that was going on around the school. He was the center of the social web.
He knew everything in a matter of one week. He had text messages, pictures, physical evidence, everything.
But I still didn't want to believe it. I wanted to believe that Ivan was bullshitting me, and none of this is true. This is the girl who I spent two years and a half years with, the girl I was planning on spending the rest of my life with. I wanted to run away with her, forget college and just make things work. I fought everyone to be with her, even my own demons. She didn't like it when my illness got in the way of things between us, so I kept it from her. When I talked to her about my depression, she shrugged it off, and said I was 'ruining the fun'. When I was in a state of hypomania, she said I was 'smothering her' and to just leave her alone. In fact, just leave her alone if I was acting like anything but 'normal'.
