The Shadows Of My Past (Destiel)

Chapter X: Stupid Emotions

The next few days, Castiel felt like he was on the edge. Each day, Dean would talk to him, he would try to get close to him and even kiss him, and each day Cas would find some good excuses to avoid this.

Whenever Dean wanted to meet up with him, Castiel 'didn't feel alright' or he 'had work to do'. Sometimes, he would even ditch school just so that his alibi was trustworthy.

However bad his heart ached for Dean, he knew he had to stay strong. His whole body wanted to give up, to surrender to Dean and to give in to whatever the green-eyed beauty wanted it to do. His arms were desperately trying to reach out for the man, his legs wanted to run towards Dean and his lips were trembling because of the missing contact. Cas' every bone wanted to touch Dean, to be near him, only controlled by his strong will, his broken soul and his oh so stubborn brain.

It was one of these days, just 5 days after Cas had found the text message. He was sitting at his desk, grading papers during one of the 10 minute breaks. Castiel knew that it wouldn't be long until Dean appeared, trying to get to go out with him again, because he always did. It seemed like, the more Cas distanced himself from the other teacher, the more desperate Dean was for him. He felt more coveted and wanted than ever. Maybe it was the guilt brooding in Dean's stomach or maybe it was just lust, Cas couldn't say. He just knew that he didn't want it, or so he told himself.

There was a firm knock on the slightly opened door of Cas' classroom, signalling for him that Dean was there - and his peace gone with it. "Castiel?"

Cas put down his pen in awareness, slowly turning his head. It wasn't normal that Dean called him 'Castiel'. When his deep blue eyes met those forest green ones, in which Cas felt himself drowning over and over again, even though he knew how wrong it was, he knew something was up. Dean's eyes were standing in contrast to an almost painful looking red, drawing on his slightly swollen skin. Had he been crying?

"Yeah?" He gulped, standing up shakily. It didn't matter to him that Dean had hurt him, not right now. He still cared for that man, and however bad it was and however often he said to himself that it would only bring him pain, he loved him. Luckily, he had never said it out loud, considering Dean's feelings towards him, which surely weren't as intense and profound.

Dean closed the door behind him, bringing silence into the room as he cut off the murmur and laughter from the outside. He stepped closer to Castiel, only close enough to be able to talk to him in a hushed and trembling, yet resolute voice. "Why are you avoiding me?" As soon as Dean felt the thick glassy liquid slide down his cheek, he wiped it away furiously, trying -and failing- for Cas not to see it.

Castiel frowned slightly. Why was Dean so upset? He could just hook up with someone else, why did it have to be him? He didn't understand. Cas had tried to just continue being friends, maybe a little less close than they had been before, but still friends. Dean just had to adjust to the feeling, like Castiel had to all those months ago. But other than Cas, Dean didn't mean anything seriously with him. It was just fun, it was distraction, right?

After what seemed like an eternity of the men just staring into each other's eyes, Cas replied numbly. "I'm not avoiding you." Dean scoffed, not looking away, not even flinching. "Of course you are. I'm trying go out with you, to get close to you but you're blocking me away! Do you even know how much this hurts me? Thinking we really had something?"

Before Cas had a chance to reply, Dean continued. "Every fucking fiber in my body is crying, calling out for you so desperately, just a simple touch would be enough for them to be quiet! They're waking me up in the middle of the night, making tears flood down my face until I can't breathe properly! They're sending you texts saying how much I want to kiss you again, only to be left on read or to be responded with an 'I'm sick' or an 'I'm busy'!"