The Shadows Of My Past (Destiel)

Chapter XII: Three little words

Dean didn't know how they got to the motel, nor did he care. He had had a lot of alcohol and even more kisses from the hot girl next to him. Normally, a girl like that wouldn't do it for him. As a matter of fact, girls in general didn't do it for him anymore. There had always been this weird feeling inside of him, as if something was missing, which he had always been scared of. It was something his dad would have never accepted, so he hadn't either. But this feeling had been amplified each minute Dean had spent with one certain, blue-eyed person, and he knew that he couldn't ignore it any longer.

Dean also knew that he was a different man now. He had known it for a long time, pretty much since the moment he had left Castiel. Even though he went back onto the road, knowing damn well that he could do whatever he wanted, that he was a free man and that he could go back what he was best at, he felt incomplete. It hadn't taken long until Dean understood what it was that he missed so much, but accepting it was a completely different story. So he just continued bringing women into the motels, spending the nights with people he didn't like in rooms he found disgusting. This was his life now, the life of a hunter.

Dean knew that, with the job he was doing, he could never be truly happy. But after spending several hours in crappy motel rooms, thinking about life because he was just so lonely, Dean knew that it was okay. He had been at this point, and there he was again. He would live like that until his hunter life had an end- which was probably, and also hopefully, during a hunt, when his weak and old self wasn't precise or strong enough to take down whatever he wanted to kill.

But for now, Dean was making out with Katy in the backseat of his Impala, not feeling anything but disgust towards himself. As they pulled away, the woman breathed heavily, looking at Dean with a seducing smile resting on her face. "Should we go inside?" Dean nodded, locking up the car once both of them were out. The crispy night air made him realize that it was almost winter. Everything was quiet, as if the whole city had been cleared of all the people living there. He felt emptier and lonelier than he ever had, even though he did have company. It was as if the breeze was streaming through his pores and into his body, spreading a chilly feeling inside of him. It made him shudder slightly as they walked towards his room.

Dean wanted to unlock the motel door, only to notice that it was already unlocked. Being the careful hunter he was, he reached behind him, pulling out the gun he had hidden in his pants. He didn't even care about the gasps coming from the woman. Seeing that she was still sticking with him even though he had taken his gun in such an unnecessary moment told him how desperate she really was.

Dean slowly opened the door, welcomed by his own mess he had left behind. It was the first time he really noticed how fucked up his life had gotten since he had gone away. There was no structure, no order. It was as if his body was there, but not his soul. Not his heart. He was just an emotionless vessel. It was then when Dean knew he had to change something. It couldn't go on like that, this was for sure. But how could he fix something that wasn't to be fixed? He didn't even know where to start.

Dean entered the room, followed by an anxious Katy. Surprisingly, she still didn't ask him why he was carrying a gun. For a moment, nothing could be seen. There were pizza cartons on the floor, mostly covered with clothes and beer bottles, nothing special. Dean had almost wanted to give up, to tell Katy that he wasn't in the mood and that she would probably have to leave, when he heard a light noise coming from the kitchen. A noise which sounded like... snoring.

The man hadn't even looked there. How reckless. If this was some monster, he could've been easily attacked and probably killed. Dean cursed himself silently, strolling towards the kitchen and holding onto the gun, ready to shoot who- or whatever was hiding in his room.

Katy watched Dean as suddenly all the color vanished from his face. He lowered his gun completely, dropping it with a soft sigh. He flinched slightly as it hit the floor with a light thump. His chest was rising and falling rapidly as he brushed his fingers through his hair shakily, not really sure if what he was seeing was real or just some mind trick. He tried to suppress the sob forming in his throat as much as the tears, which were now threatening to fall. Ever so quietly, he took a step towards the man he saw in front of him, whispering his name as if asking the sleeping figure if this was really him.