The Shadows Of My Past (Destiel)

Chapter XVII: Jealousy?

The wind was blowing against Cas' face, making it hard to breathe. The coldness surrounding him made him feel more alive than he had in a while as little droplets of water trickled onto his warm face, leaving wet smudges. The cold rain was soaking itself into Castiel's clothes as he watched the dark gray sky merge with the even darker clouds.

He felt different. Cas didn't necessarily feel human because, facing the truth, he wasn't. No, he felt another kind of different. He remembered the tiniest things about his life before the incident, before his sudden death. He remembered the dramas he had gone through, the heartbreak he had to face and all the horrible stuff he had heard and said. It was as if a horror movie was played in front of him whenever he closed his eyes.

The past followed him like a ghost. It was wherever he was, whenever he didn't have anything to distract him from the terrifying truth. Cas let out an exhausted sigh. When was this going to stop? When would he finally have a life like he once had, back then, when everything was better. The sky had been a deep blue, almsot as deep as the very ocean. White, puffy clouds had been decorating it, sending occasional showers of rain through the green landscapes.

"Cas?" Dean's gravelly hoarse voice had managed to sneak itself into Castiel's mind, down until it filled his heart. The angel wasn't sure why, but whenever he heard this very voice, something changed. He didn't feel wrong anymore, he didn't feel as if he didn't belong, although it was hard to feel anything else, as he was just at the beginning of experiencing real feelings. No, when Dean talked, a certain heat cursed through Cas' veins, pumping hot blood into his heart until it swelled a hundred sizes, beating like crazy and worrying him if something was wrong with his health.

"Yeah?" Dean took a few steps towards the man, trying not to get too wet. "I think you should come inside. We..." He stopped, looking at the angel in front of him. He was gorgeous. His black hair was sticking to his head, water dropping down from it, joining the water on the floor until they formed a big puddle. Cas' eyes were even bluer than he had remembered them to be, a certain spark making Dean's stomach churn in a weird way. His puffy lips were slightly reddened by the cold weather, possibly feeling very numb.

He didn't know how to explain it, probably because he simply couldn't. But at this moment, Castiel looked gorgeous, with or without emotions. He was perfect.

"We have a plan." Castiel nodded as he slowly followed the hunter inside the bunker, not bothering to dry himself up before leaving trails and trails of water behind him as he sat down onto the wooden chair in the kitchen. "Fire away."

Sam smiled, hope glistening in his eyes. Cas was grateful that he hadn't already given up on him, giving that he would probably have to go through certain more tortures of feeliings on his way to humanity. Still, he slowly regained the trust he once had. He knew that it couldn't be earned fast, but eventually.

"As you know, the next emotion we would like to...give you-" he coughed awkwardly, probably due to being at a loss of words. How would someone even explain it to another person? Their lives were way too complicated to think about. How could anyone even want to live them?

"Jealousy." Dean added, sitting down beside Castiel. His voice was distant, although his look said differently. "We have to make you jealous, Cas. So, what do you think, what would make you jealous?" The angel looked in between his three friends awkwardly, not really wanting to tell them what was on his mind.

There were so many things he wanted to explain to them, things that could possibly make him jealous, yet no words escaped his mouth. Although he wanted nothing more than tell them something half-heartedly, something that would make any teenage boy or girl jealous, there was only one thing he could really think of. One thing he knew was the most important one, yet he couldn't bring himself to tell them. He couldn't bring himself to tell him.