Sacred Madness

XII-Dysphoria

As time went by inside Gun's new home, he found himself losing grip of who he really was. Its like he was being conditioned to do things that only satisfies his parents, especially his mom who was constantly mad at him for doing things he likes. And its not like Gun was being ungrateful because honestly, he felt more loved and validated in this household more than he will ever be from his previous one. But truth be told, yes this aint that bad from before but its not that much better either.

Time and time again, Gun had found himself choking, gasping for air to fill his constantly burning lungs.

Her mother, although one would say that she was a caring, and a loving parent, actually had never understood him to the point where she doesn't even acknowledge his own feelings. But its not that she was a bad mother, maybe a flawed woman much like how flawed Gun himself was, but not an entirely bad mother.

For even though she would get mad at Gun for trivial things like wearing shirts that isn't red nor white, it was still okay because she would always buy him new clothes and Gun appreciates the thought of it. Just like how he appreciates the oversized clothes in his dresser that she said she had bought all for him. It was clearly off his size but she was not the one to be blamed because she explained its her husband whos bad at describing how tall and skinny Gun was. Although some of the clothes have been obviously worn already, Gun just decided that maybe they were made to look that way because if you haven't caught up by now, Gun is a world-class fucking idiot.

Same thing with how much she hates it when Gun watches football matches in the television, becuase she would rather have him watch NBA play offs. But then she would still make him delicious foods, and its ok because Gun finds it endearing. But then there's things that Gun can't put his mind into, like how his mom hired a personal coach just to improve his basketball skills.

How was he supposed to keep dodging school works, soccer practice, and this basketball thing? Not to mention the piano lessons he has to attend.

Now this piano lesson makes Gun so frustrated and its not like he hates music. As a matter of fact, Gun loves music so much, but he was not someone you would call a musically inclined, not even a fast learner.

Her mother would always keep him up all night practicing piano, expecting him to memorize classical music like its the easiest thing to do for a third year mechanincal engineering student like him, and a soccer captain at that. He can't possibly keep up simply because he can't become someone who his not.

He just cant bear all the weight that comes with his newly baptized name Fon, becuase if this Fon is his mothers image of a perfect son, then Gun might just have to lose himself altogether to be able to meet her expectations.

There were still too many things that kept Gun stray further from his own self, and those were just some of the things that's worth mentioning. But then Gun finds satisfaction with these things, he found peace with the feeling of being important to someone for they gave him all the attention he had been longing for; and knowing Gun's tendencies, its not surprising because he had always found satisfactions in so many things for all the wrong reasons.

Maybe its really that bad and Gun just doesn't want to accept that fact because deep inside, he hoped that maybe this time, he was trully accepted and loved; but then maybe Gun was just asking too much. Maybe he was just too much of a mess that theres no saving him aside from completely changing himself in order to be somehow worthy of acceptance.

"What the fuck Gun are you drunk?" Type shouted as he ran towards his friend who was completely lost in his thoughts. "Why the fuck would you dribble the soccer ball?" He asked and the other members laughed at him.

Gun stared at his hands who was holding the ball, smiling awkwardly after looking at Type. "Sorry?"

Type scratched the back of his head. He turned to the other members before shouting. "You guys continue the practice." He then grabbed Gun's hand, pulling him to the sidelines. "Are you okay?" He asked, genuinely concerned for his friend.