Transform Me (A "Shatter Me" Trilogy Fanfiction)

FORTY-TWO: BABY STEPS

42: Baby Steps

I still don't have the energy to stand, so I remain on the floral sofa for the rest of the day. Kenji and the others try to lighten the mood with jokes and chatter, but the forced attempt at normalcy doesn't work. So they go back to being serious, and I go back to being angry.

I don't see Caitlan anymore after our talk, and I suppose it's better that we avoid each other for now. Every time I see her, I'm reminded that Jun and Kim are still being held captive by The Reestablishment, and I begin to resent her even more.

Even when we have our dinner—which consists mainly of onigiri and some bland miso soup—we eat separately. Juliette, Warner, and Caitlan stay in the kitchen while Kenji offers to accompany me. When it's time for bed, Juliette and Warner head up to one of the rooms on the second floor while Caitlan stays in another. Once again, Kenji offers to stay with me, and this time, I'm reluctant to accept.

I remember in vivid detail the day of our planned ambush against The Reestablishment. We were in the library when I had officially ended whatever was between me and Kenji. It was the day I said goodbye. It was a day that shattered me. I was so sure Kenji begrudged me for that, yet here he is, rolling out a straw mat on the floor next to the couch.

The memory feels so distant now, like it had happened in another lifetime.

"I haven't slept on a tatami in years." Kenji muses aloud.

"You don't have to stay here with me, Kenji. Really." I assure him. "I'm fine on my own."

"I know you are. I just want to be with you."

His words make my pulse skitter. "Kenji, I...I just don't think it would be appropriate."

"I don't see what's wrong." He shrugs as he grabs a pillow from a nearby couch and starts patting off the film of dust. "We've slept near each other before."

"Yes, but we were in separate rooms." I point out. "There were at least ten meters between us."

He cocks an eyebrow, amused. "You want me to move ten meters away?"

"No, it's not that."

"Do you want to cuddle, then? 'Cause I'm totally fine with that."

"Please, Kenji. Don't joke."

"It wasn't really a joke, though." He smiles, then his face turns somber. "Look. For the past month, I've been worried sick about you. I had no idea where you were, or whether you were still alive. I was scared shitless thinking of the possibility of losing you. I looked for you everywhere I could. Then when I found Warner and Caitlan and realized you were still alive, no words could describe how relieved and happy I was. But then I found out what The Reestablishment was doing to you, and I was fucked up all over again."

He drags a hand through his hair, which has gotten a bit longer since we first met. He has more facial hair now. He looks older, somehow. He looks rugged and worn. And tired.

"All that time, I kept thinking of how I didn't fight hard enough for us. I kept thinking of all the times we were together, and all the times we weren't." He continues. "I kept thinking of all the times we kissed and all the times we held hands. And if anything has changed since that day in the library, it's this: I know that I love you more now than I did that day."

"Kenji. Please." I can't do this. Not now. Why does he always insist on this? Insist on us? "We talked about this. I meant what I said that day and I still haven't changed my mind about it."