Firsts and Lasts- Kliensen

First Broken Heart

It feels like ages since I last posted- I can't remember if I skipped a week or if it's just been a really long one. Still, heere you are, my few and far between readers!!

-17 Years Old-

---Evan---

Jared: Shoulda come to camp, loser

               Tons of hot chicks, and im so very reliable with the ladies

I don't doubt that for a minute, not when he's so very popular with me that I can't stop thinking about him even though I've been trying for years and I know it won't ever end well for me.

Jared: I got to second base with this chick from the army

Oh my god Jared, I really don't want to know. I don't want to keep my eyes on the screen because anything in the world would be better than learning more about this girl, who is probably pretty and thinks straight and is straight, unlike me, but at least Jared is talking to me at all. Or texting, which sounds even more special, like someone would text their boyfriend but... not.

Evan: That's cool

Wait- maybe that isn't the right thing to say, because it makes me sound too invested and really, I shouldn't care at all about Jared. Maybe then I can be, well, normal.

Evan: How?

Like, I mean, how do you get a girl to like you?

Other than being you, I want to add, but I don't think he'd get it and I have no intentions of explaining what I mean, so...

Jared: why, u like someone?

Maybe if I say it and believe it, I can make it true.

Evan: Yeah.

Oh. Oh no, he's going to want to know who it is and I'm not going to be able to say you and I have to say someone else- Zoe. Zoe who is a bit rude, like Jared and doesn't care like Jared and looks funky and offbeat like Jared. Like Jared is.

She isn't perfect, not like Jared, but she'll have to do because

Jared: O Who

Because that.

Evan: Zoe

             Murphy

I really hope that's her last name.

Jared: Hate to break it to u, but 1 ur a loser and 2 she way out of ur league

I know this is how Jared sees me, but it still feels like the ground has been ripped out from under me and I'm left stumbling and alone because as pathetic as I know it is, Jared is my closest friend except for my mom, which is even more pathetic.

Jared: But ur lucky im awesome here's her insta

I recommend peeing after jerking off

Sanitation ya know

I bite my lip so hard it draws blood and my eyes start watering, but obviously it's just the lip-bite not the fact that Jared doesn't give me a second thought, or care that I like a girl, or care that I even have feelings, or care at all.

I would be so much happier if I just dropped the whole thing, but I can't.

I have tried, again and again.

Maybe, though, I can do anything and everything to ignore it, because I don't have to feel my heart break again if I pretend it doesn't exist.

---Jared---

Oh so now he wants to talk to me.

Years upon years of him striking up the conversation, unknowingly lighting my day like a flashlight in the dark.

And then Connor dies and he's no longer invested in me- why would he be when he's got Zoe?

Zoe, who is rude and mean and takes his eyes and shy smile for granted.

I noticed they don't hold hands. Also, Evan wipes his hands on his pants a lot when she's around. If someone really loved him (like me), they'd hold onto him tight and never fucking let him go even if their hands were sweatier than me after walking up a hill. (Or, if we're being real, walking anywhere at all.)

Why would he have time for me?

And here's the thing: I was so, so ready to put him behind me (sure, a little bit of moaning and gasping and making use of my thumbs, but nevertheless) and just peg him as taken by the heterosexual agenda, but then he comes back.

Evan, the indecisive, gorgeous little shit he is, decides I'm useful (useful, Christ, my life sucks) and now he's telling me what to do like I work for him, like I'm a pawn in his chess game.

Like I'll do anything for him.

Which I will.

But not this. Because I'm selfish and jealous and I don't need Zoe all over him any more than she already is, or, worse, Evan all over Zoe. Which he already is.

"This isn't funny!" Evan insists, his breath ragged and his arms gesturing wildly.

He's right. This fucking hurts. Every second of this is me being pulled apart limb to limb and set on a platter to be fed to Hades.

"I think this is hilarious. I think everyone would probably think it's hilarious." I'm mean and I'm spiteful and I'll never stop.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Evan's fingers twist on each other, a ticking bomb.

"It means, you should remember who your real friends are." I can't stop. I know what it means when Evan says he can't stop talking, but for me it's I can't break this goddamn character. Word after word, and all I can do is keep building.

The gently drawn lines of Evan's face contort in frustration and anger. I wait for him to tear his own finger off.

"I thought the only reason you talk to me is because of your car insurance." That is funny. This idiot has no idea. No idea. Christ.

"So?"

"So maybe the only reason you talk to me, Jared, is because you don't have any other friends."

Protests fight their way up my throat: I do have friends. A few. I talk to you because I like you. All that can find its way out is, "I could tell everyone everything." If I blackmail him into talking to me... at least I see his face every day.

Turns out he's smarter than I thought (I shouldn't be surprised; he momentarily turns into a savage whenever he's triggered). "Go ahead. Do it. Tell everyone how you helped write emails pretending to be a kid who killed himself."

And I know I sound exactly like what I am when I shout back, "Fuck you, Evan. Asshole."

A helpless, heartbroken little kid.

XXX

That was the last time in a long time either of the two of them talked to each other.

Stupid me; I was given a week to write an essay, and I left it all to the day before. So now I've gotta write it, edit it, print it... all today.

                -The Worst Writer on Wattpad