Firsts and Lasts- Kliensen

First Coming Out

I wish I had interesting things to report- I do actually have a question- does anyone know how collections and gift exchanges on AO3 work? Because I want to learn to navigate that space in case I ever have the time and motivation to do stuff.

-18 years old-

---Evan---

I miss Jared.

I miss Jared so, so much and it really doesn't make sense because he was never even nice to me- or decent to me, like, ever, and I still miss the way he laughed at me and I miss his smirk-smile, I miss the flat deadpan and I miss the island- the little brown spot in his multi-colored blue-green-gray eyes and also his glasses. But mostly his eyes because they're, like, wow, from someone who seems so determined to unwow you as much as possible.

I remember the way he stared at me like I was stupid when I couldn't stop talking or when I couldn't start talking and I just stared at his eyes and they helped me start- or stop- or whatever- talking. I remember a few times when I was really upset and he actually actually talked to me- well, at least I thought it was real conversation- like right after I had a panic attack in 7th grade and I could only say um, um, um. And he was such an asshole but also I miss him.

I should say sorry. I mean, I should because I was- mean, like, very, during the Connor Project, but then also... he was... mean for the entire the time I knew him. Mostly.

But he deserves an apology at least, I think, because I think the most important part, or the part that really matters to me, anyway, in that I don't think I'll ever quite be able to let the Connor Project fade and become so small as Mom said, because I'm holding too tightly to part of it.

"Evan." Mom's voice, which makes me so glad I took the year, because sometimes I wonder, really, really, wonder if I will ever be able to go into the world and not have a panic attack without her right by my side and right now, at least until summer ends, I have her here, and she isn't going anywhere.

"Hey." I'm fixing myself, being normal, so that when she waves to get my attention, I say hey like the other kids, not hi. I don't touch the hem of my blue shirt, either, which is a step up, except I still wear blue because it calms me-

"Honey, what's wrong?"

I don't know how she can tell, because I've been trying so, so, so hard. "Nothing."

Blue eyes darken as she wrinkles her forehead at me, pressing, "Are you sure-"

"Yes, mom, I'm fine, okay?" And I'm not normal because I can't stop. "I'm normal and this is normal and nobody thinks it is even though it totally is even if I didn't used to act like this, this is, this is normal. For me. Because I'm normal."

Mom grabs my hands. "It's okay to be different."

"I'm not."

Sitting on the couch makes it difficult to hug, but Mom, of course, goes for it anyway. "I know sometimes it's hard for you to think straight-"

"I'm gay."

Oh.

No.

That's not-

I didn't-

"I- I didn't- I'm- that- I'm not gay." I tumble hopelessly, my tongue dry and my mouth wet and my throat closed and suddenly I'm aware that I'm in a very uncomfortable position and so I pull away and scrunch up against the opposite side of the couch.

Then I take a breath and try again. "I mean. I'm not. Gay. But- well, kind of, I'm- I think bisexual."

Mom- I don't know what I was expecting- gives a smile that wobbles. "Your mom isn't going anywhere, your mom is staying right here, no matter what, I'll be here."

And then she pulls me right back into the hug and I don't mind the uncomfortable position so much.

---Jared---

Blonde hair.

Blue eyes.

That's where the similarities end, but if this is what heartbreak has reduced me to, then I can't complain.

His eyes aren't rich enough and they don't have a soft spark. His hair doesn't go brown in the shadows. His smile is too fast, too big, too much, so empty.

But if I close my eyes, I can tell myself it's Evan.

Don't get me wrong: I don't believe it for a minute. But I imagine. I play pretend.

"I'm pansexual. I'm not straight."

Darin's laugh blows out so full, I think it might throw up. "You just kissed me hard, my bro, I'm damn sure you're not straight."

"Yo." Don't think of Evan, do not think of Evan. "You wanna go out?"

His eyes widen a little to emphasise the point that they're the wrong shade of blue.

That coming out didn't feel like letting out a breath, the way it's supposed to.

"Yeah, sure."

I grab his hand and pull him along.

"So, Jared, who is she?"

"Hmmm?" My fingers dance over the keys, ready to fend off yet another request to meet my parents.

I haven't told him I'm not out yet.

"This girl you're always texting? And going on dates with? When do I get to meet her?"

Mom, I say in my head, and then no, just no.

Nobody needs to know. Darin and I aren't serious anyways.

I fix a coy smile on my face, a twisted smirk too harsh. "Someday, someday..."

Mom doesn't say anything. I don't expect her to, and I don't need her to.

I'm already practicing picturing Darin's face, pulling, pushing coloring until he almost looks like Evan.

Sorry about the depressing coming out for Jared, but all my other coming outs were fluffy and nice and I wanted to acknowledge that there are different things a person can feel other than a deep breath out when they come out and Jared... is Jared. He's never very responsible with who and when and how.

            -The Worst Writer on Wattpad