Firsts and Lasts- Kliensen

First Time Holding Hands

So I just finished Wayward Son...

My life is a mess... my heart is in shambles...

-19 years old-

---Evan---

It seems like the more determined I am to forget something, the more persistently it pops up, like how my hands get all sweaty when I worry about them but when I try not to worry it only means that I think about it more and then my hands are sweaty because I couldn't help thinking about it since I'm in front- well, I'm in the isle I remember shelving books when Jared walked in and-

"Well, if it isn't my favorite... um... waiter...."

Jared?

"Jared? What are you doing here?" I'm having so much trouble trying to figure out how Jared didn't offer something sarcastic as a hello, and still- at least so far, I think- I manage not to stutter or fumble my words.

Jared smiles easily, but I don't feel as if... it doesn't settle right because he doesn't smile like this, not really, at least, not how I remember.

"Most definitely-certainly not looking for you."

Usually I'd easily pin that as sarcastic- or deadpan- or, just, not true, but now Jared, this new Jared, might not do... sarcasm? Like, maybe he's telling the truth and, just, I can't tell anymore and it's making me nervous and my hands are really, really starting back up again.

I must be staring, because Jared rolls his beautiful eyes and holds out a hand, but it doesn't look like a handshake thing- it's not up and down, straight out in front of him- it's palm up on the, like, side of him, kind of, and it almost is like a take my hand thing- but I can't because my hands are really really sweaty and anyways, I'm holding a book, so yeah, I can't.

"I was looking for you, idiot. Sarcasm?" Maybe, after like 6 months, the old Jared is back?

A little? I begin to think maybe the idea is farfetched and I'm just hoping.

---Jared---

I recalled the way Evan's eyes danced over my face and caught where my glasses used to be. Last time, that is. So, being the oddball I am, I chose to wear them today.

And then I put them back in my pocket because I got nervous.

I'm not sure what I mean by holding out my hand. Ok, fine, I mean hold my hand. But I don't know how I expected Evan to react.

Not by holding my hand.

Not that I'm complaining.

But wow. This is... this is wow.

I pride myself in having the right words on the tip of my tongue any time I need them, my comments as smooth as Evan's are endearingly halting.

Now I think maybe Evan+Jared=words fail.

"Hi," I say, trying to sound wry and failing spectacularly.

"Hey," Evan replies shortly. His shoulders scrunch up around him.

He's uncomfortable, you idiot, help him out!

I notice Evan's other hand wipe furiously on his jeans. His hands feel fine, though I am flattered he's worried about sweating over me.

"Closing now, please exit the building." Evan's hand jumps in my own, and I suppress a smirk. I need to be nice. This is another chance. I will not fuck it up.

"I should go back, help, you know, um, close up shop. You know." The pale hand in mine starts tugging out of my grasp.

Okay so maybe it's a little sweaty, but I don't mind. How could I? This is Evan.

"Get coffee with me?" I stop a comment on how he's so pale, he really ought to bathe in it rather than drink it, before I say it.

Can't make Evan uncomfortable. Can not.

"Jared, really, I should-"

"Do you have to?" I can't let him go. I will absolutely not let him go. But also, I'll be the worst kind of loser if I wait up for him.

"No, but-" Evan's fingers tug at his shirt insistently.

I send him my warmest smile, nice, no edges and fully purged of sarcasm or smirking. "Then let's go, bro. Be a normal guy for once."

Shit. The fingers playing adorably with his shirt stop and his eyes jerk away violently from mine.

Then his fingers twitch like he's trying not to fumble. And his hand tightens around mine.

"Ok," Evan agrees, his voice oddly closed, "Let's go."

Well shit. I didn't mean to... do whatever I just did.

"Evan." Gentle, gentle, gentle. "You okay?" Insults become concerns on my tongue, smirks become smiles so sweet, I swear bees come at me. "Eva-"

"Yes! I'm fine!" Evan answers loudly, pulling me out the door. His shoulders are pulled nearly to his ears. His hands are very, very sweaty.

And I hold on like my life depends on it.

XXX

It would be the last time in a long time that Evan didn't wipe his hands before going into the bookstore.

How soon is soon?

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