Just A Drag No One Wants To Inhale

Just Me. It's Just Me.

***

After explaining everything, (and by everything, I mean everything)  I grew fascinated with how my shoes looked in the night with nothing but the street-lamps shining down on them.

Jorden cleared his throat and I saw Jamia's head swivel towards him, but I'm still too scared to look up at either of them. 

"Where is he now?" He asked.

My heart jumped to my throat and I took a quick glance to where I last saw Willz and found that he wasn't there any more. "He was just on the hood of the car, but he's not here anymore."

There was another silence before Jamia spoke. "Why not?"

"I don't know..." I wiped my tears away and looked at my fingers to see that some of my eyeliner was promptly smudged off. I'm going to have to ask Jamia if she's got a compact or something I can use to touch it up. "Most of the time when I'm with you both, he kinda just... Goes away."

Jamia must've read my thoughts, because she scooted closer to me, and with my face sandwiched between both of her hands, she wiped away the tears under my eyes with her thumbs. She's so close, I can count the freckles hiding under a layer of make-up.

"Do you think he's not here anymore because you talked about him to us?" She asked softly.

"Maybe..." I answered, my heart still beating out of my chest. My eyes flickered from her eyes to her lips. "But maybe he's just scared."

"Of what?"

I had to take a breather and think about that question.

What was  Willz scared of?

I've always seen him sulking or laughing or smiling, but I don't think I've ever seen him sc-

Ah, wait a second. No, yeah I have.

It was when my mother went into the other room to get me my notebook and Willz thought that she'd come back with prescriptions, he seemed really fucking scared.

Or whenever I talk or hang around Jorden.

And recently he's stopped coming around whenever I talk to Jamia as well...

I think he's scared of being found. I think he's scared that someone else can see him too.

Or maybe he's scared that I've found someone else. Someone who makes me laugh just as much. Someone who knows me just as well.

Scared that I've found someone real.

But that can't be just it, can it?

What is he really  scared of?

I pulled away from Jamia and wiped my own eyes. I looked down at my fingertips and found the black smudges of my make-up. Everything I ever loved goes away no matter what. And it's always my fault. My make-up... My home... My friends... 

Willz...

...

...

...

Wait-

I scoffed when I figured it out. How could I have been so blind? The looks, the thoughts, the actions... They're all... Mine.

Me.

He's me.

And I am him.

I  am Willz.

I turned to Jamia, and it seemed like she had already her mind made up that I'm insane. As did Jorden.

"He's scared of everything."  I answered.

***