A Synonym for Chill [COMPLETE]

23. Bathrooms and a broken heart

[Eli's POV]

I couldn't breathe. My throat felt like it had been closed up. I stumbled back over to the bathtub, sliding down against it and sitting on the ground, my hands hitting the ground with an audible slap. A long, uncomfortable silence hung in the air like smog over a city as I struggled to breathe, struggled to come to terms with what just happened. There was a loud knock at the door, and I heard Rose Kleinman shout from the other side.

"Hello?! Some of us have to pee!" I swallowed thickly and managed to squeak out "I'm having my period!" in my best falsetto. Rose placed her hand to the door, and her voice became much more soft and comforting.

"Take your time, honey." She said. I heard her footsteps retreat down the hall, and managed to take in a shaky breath.

"I am hanging in the bathroom at the biggest party of the fall," I whispered to myself. "I could stay right here or disappear, and nobody'd even notice at all." I tried standing up again, but my legs felt like jelly and I ended up sitting back down so as not to crack my head open.

"I'm a creeper in a bathroom 'cause my buddy kinda left me alone. But I'd rather fake pee than stand awkwardly or pretend to check a text on my phone," I let out a light, mirthless laugh. "Everything felt fine when I was half of a pair...and through no fault of mine, there's no other half there..." I heard my voice break, feeling tears threatening to spill from my eyes. I blinked to clear my rapidly blurring vision and took a deep breath. "Now I'm just Eli in the bathroom. Eli in the bathroom at a party..." I pulled my phone out of my pocket, just to check the time, and felt my heart skip a beat. I had changed my lockscreen to a picture of Falner and I goofing around and making funny faces at the camera. I blinked once, a few tears dripping down my cheeks and landing on my screen.

"F-Forget how long it's been..." I choked out, tucking the phone back into my jumpsuit. "I'm just Eli in the bathroom, Eli in the bathroom at a party-!" I stopped once I heard someone knock on the door. "No, you can't come in," I shouted in my loudest voice, managing to keep my composure in a sense. "I'm waiting it out 'til it's time to leave," I said, my voice dropping back down to a near-whisper, then noticed that I had dug my nails into the gaps of the tiled floor. "And picking at grout as I softly grieve. I'm just Eli who you don't know, Eli flying solo, Eli in the bathroom by himself...all by himself..." I had to hold my tears back. I didn't want anyone to hear me crying.

"I am hiding but she's out there, just ignoring all our history," I muttered, then stood up and rigidly wiped my hand across my forehead, almost acting like a robot. "Memories get erased, and I'll get replaced with a newer cooler version of me." I sat back down, leaning my head against the back of the tub. "...And I hear a drunk girl singing along to Whitney through the door. "I wanna dance with somebody!"" I sang the words just as she did, making sure she was louder. After a brief moment of reprieve, my breathing turned slightly shaky, causing me to whisper again. "And my feelings sink, 'cause it makes me think: now there's no one to make fun of drunk girls with anymore...now it's just Eli in the bathroom, Eli in the bathroom at a party."

I burped slightly, feeling stomach acid jump up and hit the back of my throat. "I-I half regret the beers..." I took a shaky breath, trying not to vomit. "Eli in the bathroom, Eli in the bathroom at a party, as I choke back the tears," I wiped at the tears that decided to escape from my eyes. "I'll wait as long as I need 'til my face is dry, or I'll just blame it on weed, or something in my eye! I'm just Eli who you don't know, Eli flying solo, Eli in the bathroom by himself!" I was almost screaming.

I heard someone knocking at the door, and my breathing quickened. "Knock knock knock knock. They're gonna start to shout soon. Knock knock knock knock," I swallowed back my nerves and tried to sound composed. "Oh hell yeah I'll be out soon!" I called. The knocking never ceased. If anything, it sounded like more people were knocking now. "Knock knock knock knock. It sucks you left me here alone. Knock knock knock knock. Here in this teenage battlezone-!" I buried my face in my knees, feeling like everything was collapsing around me, and I grabbed onto my legs in a desperate attempt to cling to reality.

It hurt to breathe. It felt like something was squeezing my heart, ribcage, and lungs, threatening to make them burst. My head was pounding, and my vision was getting blurrier by the second. "Clang clang clang clang, I-I feel the pressure blowing up. Bang bang bang bang, my big mistake was showing up-!" I stood up suddenly, crossing to the sink and running the faucet, almost dunking my head in its shallow basin. "Splash splash splash splash, I throw some water in my face. And I am in a better place!" I straightened up, feeling somewhat better as I walked over to the door. "I go to open up the door..." I paused, suddenly aware of the silence around me, my hand against the door. "But I can't hear knocking anymore..."

I stepped backward, looking down at the granite countertop of the sink. "And I can't help but yearn for a different time," I looked up at my reflection in the mirror. My eyes were still swimming with tears, my face was as red as a cherry, my hair hung in my face, and I seemed to be shaking slightly. When I spoke, my voice sounded hoarse and tear-choked. "And then I look in the mirror, and the present is clearer, and there's no denying: I'm just-!" I cut myself off by finally, finally letting all of my emotions out, slumping down against the counter and letting out a rather pained sob into my arms, tears freely running down my face and meeting no resistance from me.

After a moment of crying, I sniffled and spoke again, my voice completely and utterly heartbroken. "At a party. Is there a sadder sight than-" I then started to hum a bit to the music outside. "Hm hmm hm hm hm hmmm, Eli in the bathroom at a party...this is a heinous night. I wish I stayed at home in bed watching cable porn," I said, then harshly ran my finger across my neck, almost as if I was trying to kill myself. "Or wish I'd offed myself instead, wish I was never born!" I cried. "I'm just Eli who's a loner, so he must be a stoner. Rides a PT cruiser-!"

My voice cracked considerably, but I inhaled deeply and screamed my next words out, my voice tinged with pain. "God, he's such a loser!" I let out a sob. "Eli flying solo, who you think that you know?! Eli in the bathroom by himself. All by himself. All by himself!" I slammed my hand down on the counter, wincing at the pain.

I then looked up at the mirror, staring at my angry, crying reflection. "And all you know about me is my name," I whispered. "Awesome party. I'm so glad I came." I slumped down onto the ground, falling flat on my side and curling into a small ball of pain and loneliness, feeling tears still running down my face.