teenage thoughts

Chapter Twelve

I like being alone. But I don't really like being lonely.

-loneliness.

How long am I going to stand in my own way?

-questions I ask myself every day.

You were gone so fast. You are never going to see me turn 18. You are never going to see me graduate. You are never going to see me walking down the aisle. You are never going to meet my soulmate. It makes me ache.

-grief is a different kind of pain.

I always thought death is my biggest fear. I was wrong. Love is so much scarier.

-my biggest fear.

I feel so empty despite the weight on my shoulders.

-numb, really.

Sometimes I like to drown in misery. I bath myself in anger. I wash my body with hate. I rub it with sadness. Then I wrap myself in darkness.

-depression.

Food is supposed to help you survive. How does it come it is my recurrent opponent?

-eating disorder.

Good tea is like a blanket from within.

-tea lover.

The last time I visited you, you laid in the hospital bed, breathing heavily. You didn't recognize me. I didn't recognize you. One part of you was already in heaven. And yet one part of you was still holding on to life, scared by death. You said you wanted to go home.

I would do anything to know if you got home safely.

-11.10.2019, I hope so.

How many pieces of my heart can I lose before it's gone completely?

-I lost another one recently.

You were so strong. You were so loud. You were so present.

Now you are gone. Now you turned quiet. Now you are infinite.

-I miss you like crazy.

You never felt real pain unless you saw your mom broke down in tears.

-I feel your aching heart, mom.

When did I start to think so little of me? When did I start to see myself as a problem? When did I start to isolate myself because I felt worthless? When did I turn so empty?

-is it possible to empty yourself?

["Grief is love's unwillingness to let go."This is for you, granny. I am not ready to say goodbye just yet. I hope you're safe in grandpa's arms. I love you and I miss you like crazy.]