Treachery-Bucky Barnes X OC

Part 14

This might have some triggering content if you're sensitive to depression. She's seen terrible things, and that expresses itself sometimes in the form of dark thoughts. Bear with me.

I woke up to the morning sun streaming through my curtains. I had been so tired (well, distracted) last night that I had forgotten to close them. Outside, fall leaves drifted gently to the ground in graceful swoops, reminding me that I've been here altogether too long. Sure, these three months have been great, but I know I'll just get hurt again once again when I'm back in the "care" of Hydra. I look over at the clock and notice it's already nine in the morning. I forgot we had a day off today. I wonder what I'm going to spend it doing.

Other than avoiding Bucky, that is. I mull over what happened, standing to chose some clothes for today. I don't know what yesterday meant to him, and honestly, I'm a little scared to find out. He's been the only Avenger to avidly avoid me, and I see why he wouldn't be too trusting. After all, if I weren't acting undercover, I wouldn't be acting nearly as friendly as I'm am. But yesterday confirmed what I had already suspected. I once heard someone on a mission say that drunk actions were sober thoughts. Does that mean he's... No. He can't. He can't.

I can't be loved. The thought floods my brain, leaving me breathless. I know what I've done, even if other people don't. What I've done. What I've done. Oh, god. I slowly sink to my knees on the floor of my room, still in my PJs. A terrible pain gnaws at the center of my chest, threatening to tear me apart. Sorrow, guilt, and helplessness overwhelm me all at once. I had been able to avoid it, but now I couldn't. For some reason, I couldn't escape it. I did it. I hurt those people. I terrorized innocents, murdered parents in front of their children. Gaunt faces, starved of food but fed all the horror they should have never experienced flashed in front of me, hollow eyes and desperate cries forever trapped in my mind. 

I can't take it. I walk out of the room, not sure where I'm going. I pass Rhodey on the way out of the compound. "Netta, you okay?" He asks, concerned. I gave a quick nod and kept walking. Once outside, I find a random sidewalk to follow. I don't care where I end up at this point, only that I get away. But I can't get away from my thoughts. Visions of my past still haunt me, following my every step of the way. This is futile. 

Somehow I ended up at a small park. I sat down on a small wooden bench on the edge, giving up on distracting myself. I don't know how long I stayed there, just staring at the greenery. When I finally looked up, the sun was setting. I should probably get back. Looking around, I recognized a familiar street and started following it back to the compound.

When I got back, I was greeted by the worried faces of the team. Wanda ran up to me, enveloping me in a bone-crushing hug. "Venetta Williams, where the hell have you been?" She cried, dried tears evident on her face. 

"Not cool, newbie. We were worried sick. Steve wanted a search party and Tony had FRIDAY scanning the city for you." Rhodey remarked, shaking his head and folding his arms. 

Scott turned to me. "She's back now, guys. No need to worry."

Sam spoke up. "No need to worry?" He said sarcastically. "You don't just buddy up with the Avengers and then disappear like that. There's something else going on." There is, Sam. If only you knew. "Who are you? Why did you join the team, and why did you disappear like that?"

Before I can speak, Nat steps in. "I'm sure she has a reasonable explanation. Netta?" 

I nod and smile at her. "Guys, I know you have reason to be worried, but nothing is going on that involves the team or any of you. I went to go see some of my old hangouts. You know, familiar territory and all that shit. I guess I was homesick, which is ironic since I didn't have a home." I admitted, shrugging. Sam nodded, placated. Everyone else was looking like my explanation made sense too, so I guess I'm in the clear for now.