There's no love without pain // Jeyna

13. Unknowingly Loving Him

Reyna's POV

Reyna didn't know what to do.

She had said the fatal words. The words that broke everything and she despaired at the fact that she had no control over the emotions that took over her.

She had said, "What are you looking at?"

Nobody else would understand (except Jason, unfortunately). It would have been fine if he didn't understand the reference she'd made to the day they had first met. But he understood and that made all the difference. She saw his knowing smile that showed her all she needed to know. He remebered and she was at a loss as to what she should do. When did he get his memories back? Why? How?

She assumed it was the work of one of the gods or goddesses. Most probably Juno who wasn't exactly Reyna's favourite goddess to put it lightly. Either way, at his smile she could feel herself closing up towards him. It almost scared her that she had absolutely no control over the things going on inside her heart.

Keyword : Almost

She was quite used to not being able to control her emotions. And most of the time she understood why it acted the way it did and usually starts to believe that it was what she had wanted in the first place.

But this time was different. She didn't actually want to close up towards Jason. She wanted to believe that he left Piper for her and he had come to reclaim his place in her heart. The one he'd lost when he decided to call Camp Half-Blood his 'other home'.

However, she couldn't believe it, she wouldn't believe it because her heart wouldn't let her. What seemed like the rational part of her brain kept saying that 'he left you once, even if he has left Piper, now, who's to say that he won't leave you again'. Even though Reyna knew that Jason didn't leave her on purpose, (she couldn't believe that she was saying this but) she didn't have the courage to face the heartache again. The only moment that was almost close to being as painful as when Jason left was when she had to... put Scipio out of his misery. 

She remembered looking into his eyes as he was bleeding in too many places. She remembered when the realization hit her about what she had to do to relieve him from this pain. She remembered bring down her dagger and...

 She didn't have the strength to recount even that. Jason leaving her was even worse, so you could imagine just how hard it would be to trust him like that ever again. She couldn't because he'd left her once and she couldn't let him do that again.

Reyna saw a small frown, suddenly tugging on his lips. As though he could see the internal shields she was putting up. She didn't like that either, how he could read her so easily. Or maybe she didn't like the fact that, her closing up towards him, seemed to cause him pain. Maybe she didn't want to see him in pain and, really, she still lov-

No. She would not finish that thought because that would lead to a conclusion that she most definitely wouldn't like. Or maybe she would...

She mentally slapped herself for being so naive. She wasn't a small child but those thoughts... it was like her inner child, which had been locked up inside her when she was actually a kid was coming out now. Great, she thought, what a wonderful time to surface, inner childish thoughts. 

"Umm... wanna walk?" Said Jason.

She snapped her head up to look at him. Her mind started searching, desperately, for some sort of excuse and- 

She realized that she didn't need an 'excuse' because she had tons of paperwork left to do as she hadn't done any of it. She had been way to busy freaking out about the fact that Jason was coming, though she would never admit that out loud.

"I... have paperwork to do." She said, pointing towards the Preatoria where Frank, who could barely be seen behind the mountains of paperwork, was completing as much he could. 

"Oh, fine. I guess I'll see you around then, bye." Said Jason, who looked slightly put out. She nodded at him, quite stiffly, and headed towards the Preatoria. She sat down in her place next to Frank, pulled her papers closer to her and placed the lid of her pen beside the pile, as always, and started signing whatever it was that she needed to sign.

As she signed, she thought about all the times she had sat there with Jason. She thought about it every time she was signing but this time it was different. Instead of feeling a vague sadness as usual, she felt a sort of soaring feeling in her heart.

Her heart, which had been going crazy since Jason came, told her that that feeling was hope. Hope that he really was here to reclaim his place in her heart and she knew, in the back of her mind, that once the fire of hope was lit, it couldn't be extinguished and that she should probably be panicking because she couldn't afford to hope. If she had hope, then, at the time when she lost everything, it would only cause her more pain.

She would have panicked in a normal mindset (she ignored the fact that this might mean that she wasn't in a normal mindset) but, for the moment, she calmed down and was actually relieved that she wasn't panicking. If she had been panicking, that would mean that the feeling that she felt was hope. Since she wasn't panicking this meant that she wasn't hoping that Jason would be her 'prince charming' and that they would ride off into the sunset on horseback (she internally rolled her eyes at how cheesy that sounded).

Reyna didn't exactly know what was going on in her mind, all she knew was that she wasn't hoping. But what she didn't know was that her love for Jason, which hadn't completely dissappeared in the first place, was now resurfacing...

A/N : I know it's been a while and no I am not still mourning. But... well, homework is torture. That's all I have to say

Yours Truly 

ReynaLovegood2 :)