The One I Need.

Lost.

I can't see anything, but I hear the door opening and my mom shouting: "ELLIE!". Then I am gone again...

I wake up in a bright white room. Oh no. The hospital. My head really hurts. It feels like my brain is on fire. "Oh Ellie your awake!"  "Mom.."  "Don't talk. Gosh, you scared me this morning!"  The door opens and a man in white clothes steps in. "Good to see that you are awake again Mrs. Hayward. You have a mild concussion and had an alcohol poisoning. But you will be fine. We are giving you some IV fluids to get the rest alcohol out. You can go home again this afternoon. Good day." You can see on my mom that she feels better now and that she is happy I am okay. I am the only one she has left. My dad left us when I was two years old. I am okay with it. But my mom is not, even though it has been 15 years now. "Ellie, think what would have happend if Emmelie hadn't called me! She was worried about you, because you didn't answer your phone."  She says a bunch of other things too, but I am not listening. I am caught up in my thoughts again. I start crying. "What's wrong?"  "Mom, I..."  "Oh god, you are not pregnant are you?!"  I shake my head. "Then, what is it?"  "I need a hug." My mom comes over and hugs me. That is really what I needed right now.  "Adam broke up with me. He said we're too different."  "Oh sweetie. How could he? After three years?" She takes my hand and tries to comfort me as my eyes start to fill up with tears again. I feel lost. I really do. I have never felt like this before or had this pain. I have always been a very happy girl. Until yesterday. After the breakup. All these thoughts. Thoughts of not being good enough, being lonely, being a mistake. I have never had them. And I hate them. Emmelie said it will pass, but honestly it doesn't feel like that right now. 

I am home again. I am laying in my bed in my room. I still can't really feel my body. I only feel pain.  I am staring at the ceiling. I hear someone knocking on my door, but I don't say anything. Emmelie comes in. "Girl, I was worried about you! I thought that boy yesterday had raped you or something, because I found your bag, and you always have you bag on you. But good to see that you alive and well."  "I am not well and I also don't feel alive." I sit up. "I feel lost. Alone. Ruined. Sad. I can't feel my body. I feel like I am a mistake."  "Oh darling..." Emm sits down next to me. "You are going to be okay. He may have been your boyfriend for three years, but him breaking up over text just shows how immature he actually is. What you are feeling right now will pass. It may not feel like that right now, but it will."  "No, it certainly doesn't feel like that at all right now. Promise me you never leave me alone at a party again."  "Did he do something to you?"  "Nono I am fine. But I couldn't control how much I was drinking, and I threw up all over him."  "Omg you did what?" She laughs. When Emm laughs it makes me happy. Because then I know that she is alright. I smile a little. I love that girl. I hug her. "But Ellie, real talk. A heartbreak has never made me not feel my body or lost the way you describe it. Or like I was a mistake. Maybe you should see a psychologist?"  "God no, if I ask my mom if I can go to a shrink, she will keep asking me what the matter is. And I don't want her to worry."  "It's okay. I know someone. I'll take you. She'll do it for free."  "Okay then.."  She hugs me. It felt good telling how I feel to someone. Emmelie also knows how it is. Well, maybe not the exact way I do. But she knows just what to say. And that alone is a big help. Maybe it is good seeing a shrink. I don't really know why or if I really should. But I don't think Emm would tell me to go to one if she wasn't worried or felt like it was necessary for me. So I trust her.