Self-Preservation

Prologue

I continued typing away furiously at the library computer, my essay on conjunctivitis was due in exactly 1 hour and 43 minutes, and I only had about 100 words done out of 1000. My phone ringing knocked me out of my diligent trance, it was a text from my mum.

Hello Dear, I'm just about to get in the car and head to your house!
We're still on for dinner tonight, right? Your dad misses Charlotte
so much! Love you!

I text back.,
I'm so sorry mum! I have this really important essay due soon.,
I think I need to raincheck on dinner tonight, what about
tomorrow night?

My phone starts to ring obnoxiously loud, causing everyone in the library to turn their heads at me and shoot daggers towards me with their eyes. I return their glares with an uncomfortable smile. I pick up the phone and put it exceedingly close to my ear.,
"Hi, Mum," I whisper.
"Sweetie, are you sure I can't make dinner while your working, then when you get home it's all done! We can just visit with Thomas and Charlotte, you know how much your father and Thomas get along!" sShe says with a chuckle.
"Speaking of Dad, where is he?" I ask.
"Oh he's sitting right here next to me in the passenger seat, he's dead asleep." sShe laughs more.
"Mum I don't think tonight's a good night, tomorrow night would be perfect, then I can visit with you guys too," I counter offer.
She sighs, clearly disappointed. "Ok-"
~~~
My Mum never finished that sentence nor, did my Dad ever speak another sentence. Minutes after our first exchange of words on that phone call my parents, at 5:18 on May 19th, were hit by a semi running a red light going 75 m.p.h. That semi was driven by a 46-year-old man named Steven Tyler. My mMum was killed instantly, her neck snapped at the impact of the truck. My Dad's injuries were less severe but were internal and he died 1 hour and 26 minutes later at tThe London Bridge Hospital on life support. The driver of the semi survived with minor injuries. He was never prosecuted.
Their funeral was 2 days after they died. It has been 1 month and 13 days since my parents died and it was my fault.
~~~
"Anna, would you like to take Charlotte to daycare for me?" Thomas asks, raising his eyebrow in sympathy.

I groan and glance at him, then turn over on my other side in the bed. The sheets and covers haven't been washed for weeks and that also was the last time I'd taken a shower. My hair is in a matted, tangly mess and my breath probably smells like a hobo's armpit.

"There's a sandwich in the fridge for you,." Thomas sighs, almost disappointed-like and turns away to walk out the door with Charlotte in his arms.

I know Thomas wants me back to the way I was before it happened, but I can't be. I can't even be a Mother to my daughter, and it hurts, but the pain and guilt for what happened to my parents pushes all that pain away and makes me want to hide. Hide in the covers, just like I am now. The nightmares wake me up every night, and my screams wake up Thomas in the process, even if he decided to sleep on the couch. Thomas is my everything, and it pains me so much to see him doing everything for me when I can't do anything in return. Our romantic relationship has died, because of me and at this point, I wouldn't blame him for leaving me. I just can't function properly, every time I think about getting up and going to do something, I remember that phone call and I remember hearing my muom on the phone when it happened. Her screams, the sound of metal scraping metal, and the sound of breaking glass.

My eyes begin to swell up with tears for the third time this morning. I grab the tissues from the bedside table and try to subdue my feelings for a second when there's a knock at the door. I look longingly at the front door through my open bedroom door and the living room, I shut my eyes and hope they just go away. They knock again, louder this time. I cautiously start to remove the comforter away from my body and try to swing my legs out of bed, I look at my fuzzy-socked feet now resting on the floor and suddenly it's like I'm transported back to the library, typing at the computer and on the phone with my mum. The person at the door knocks again and it knocks me out of my daze, frantically I swing my legs back into the bed and shove the comforter over my body. I wrap it around my body and over my head, my nose starts to burn as it does before I breakdown again and my breathing starts to get wheezy, I can feel myself start to panic again. So I scream into the covers and I try to control my breathing before the sobs start wracking my body. Whoever was at the door, eventually leaves.
~~~
"Hey, Princess, the delivery man called me about a package I had ordered, they needed someone to sign it and I assuming you would...Thomas says slowly and carefully like I'm a ticking time bomb, which I mean, he is right.
I start to wipe my tears from my eyes and compose myself a little more. I remain silent until he says something else.,

"Anna, Honey?"

"I-I'm sorry, I'm here." I apologize, and immediately feel more guilty.

"It's Okay... I talked to Maya today, she asked about you..." He continues.

"Oh," I respond and clear my throat.

"I bought you a ticket to go visit with her for a week, in the states. I know how much she misses you." He says trying to make me excited.

"Th-thank you, Tom," I say trying not to sound ungrateful.

"Your Flight leaves tomorrow afternoon. Do you want to maybe go out to dinner tonight with Charlotte and I, ya know, before you leave?" He askes and I can tell he is begging more than asking.

"Can we maybe just order something and have it delivered here?" I plead.

"Sure, honey..." Thomas says and I can hear how disheartened he is. "Goodbye, Anna, I'll see you tonight, I love you."

"I-I love you too," I say and hang up then re-cocoon myself in the blankets.
~~~
Thomas opens the door and receives the Chinese take-out from the delivery man. I turn my attention away from the door and look at Charlotte, playing on the floor in front of the Telly. The news is on, Tom always watches it after work. Charlotte catches me looking at her and she smiles bubbly. I try to force out a smile at my daughter, she holds up the play horse figurine at me, almost like an invite to join her. I continue mutely looking at her and she eventually reverts her attention back to her toys.

"Anna, here you go," Thomas says placing a plate in front of me at the dinner table.

"Thank you." I almost squeak.

Thomas sets his own plate down next to me and then returns back into the kitchen, I'm assuming to fetch some food for Charlotte. I move my gaze back to where Charlotte was sitting and suddenly she's gone, but then I feel a tug at my knee.

"Mummy!" She cries out, excitedly. "Up-y Up-y!"
I look into her eyes and see she deeply wants me to hold her and adorn her with love, but my mind starts to wonder off to that night, the phone call, my own Mum... Thomas comes out of the kitchen, just in time to break me out of my state, and picks up Charlotte.
"You want your food, don't you sweetie." He says in a higher-pitched voice and Charlotte smiles widely and claps her hands.
Thomas puts Charlotte in the high-chair next to him and puts her food in front of her. She starts to eat it but also plays with it in the process. Thomas sits down and starts to eat his own dinner before he realizes I'm staring, I match his actions.

"My boss talked about giving me a raise today when I saw him," Thomas says and smiles.

"That's good," I reply trying to put some emphasis on good.

"Yea it is,." He ends with and looks back down at his food.
I turn my attention back to where Charlotte had been sitting previously before she started to eat. The news was still on but this time it was talking about the Middle East. Thomas also sees the telly and gets up quickly to go turn up the volume so we can hear.

"- The new strain of flu, is currently being researched and has no signs of spreading out of the country. Local doctors are already working on a possible vaccination or preventative shot. Symptoms have been recorded to be quite vigorous and possibly deadly,." The female reporter states and pictures begin to flash on the screen. Bloody, ashen, and decaying corpses are pictured and very sickly looking-people. Thomas crouches down and changes the channel.,

"I think that's enough of the News for tonight,." He says and chuckles nervously.

Thomas being nervous confuses me, I've never seen him this way before. He has always collected, and very confident, this was part of what made me love him. Thomas always made me feel safe, until after that night, then nothing could make me feel safe again.

"They talked about that flu today at work," Thomas says and I can hear something different in his voice. "They have no idea what this thing is. They say it might become an Epidemic, if they don't contain and control it..."
Thomas is a current employee at the CDC and went there right after he got out of college, 3 years ago. He usually never talks about work things like this at home, unless of course, it's good.
~~~