Necessity

Chapter Eighteen

My heart jumped in my chest when I heard a knock at the door. I looked around my apartment one last time to make sure everything looked decent. Ever since I put Deon down a few hours ago, I had been running through this apartment tidying up as if the Pope was visiting. Chresanto has never seen my place in the nearly three months that we've lived apart. I just bring Deon and his belongings to the door and he leaves. But now that we were actually talking, he would have to come in. I made my way to the door and took a quick breather before opening it. He was still in his suit from this morning except he had taken off his tie and undid a few of the buttons on his shirt.

"Hey, come in," I said trying to appear calmer than I felt inside.

"Thanks," he replied before walking past me and into the apartment.

"Do you want something to drink?" I asked as I closed the door behind him. "Or eat, maybe?"

"Nah, I'm good."

I watched as he glanced around the living area as if he were studying it. It felt weird to have him see my place, almost as weird as it used to feel that I no longer lived at his place. But I was beginning to adjust to it. Jacob had helped me do that, helped me see that there can be a future without Chresanto. And this was my first step to moving on.

"Deon asleep?" Chresanto asked finally looking my way.

"Yeah, I put him down a few hours ago."

I didn't know how to initiate this discussion. In fact, I didn't even call this meeting, Chresanto did. All I wanted was a simple yes or no and maybe some ground rules regarding any interaction Jacob has with Deon. But apparently there were some things that Chresanto needed to get off of his chest that required an entirely separate visit. As he took a seat on the armrest, I decided that I would just let him take the lead on this one.

"Are you sleeping with him?"

That completely derailed my thought process. I knew that he probably had his suspicions but I definitely didn't think that he would be so blunt about them. But then again, Chresanto was nothing if not honest. So, I should be too.

"Yes," I simply replied.

He showed no immediate reaction but I knew that hearing that was probably like taking a bullet considering the fact that my sex life is what got Chresanto and I into this mess in the first place. I was tempted to tell him that Jacob and I didn't start sleeping together until after the Orlando trip in an effort to cushion the blow, but then I wondered why I should. It wouldn't change anything. According to Chresanto, it would be a cold day in hell before he forgave me for what I did. So, why should I care how he feels about what I do anymore? I tried. At the end of the day, I can say that I tried. But you can only say sorry so many times. I refused to continue to beat myself up when I still had a life to live. Chresanto ran a hand through his curls, something he tended to do when he was thinking too hard.

"Are you dating him?"

"No, we're just friends. But he means a lot to me and that's why I want Deon to meet him."

"How long have you known him?"

"About a month now."

Chresanto raised a brow at me.

"A month? And you think that's enough time for you to trust him with our son?"

"It's not like I'm just leaving Deon with him, Chres. I'll be there."

"Still, Deon is reaching that age where everything sticks with him. I don't want him meeting someone who isn't guaranteed to stay in your life. Shit like that will confuse him."

"I'm sure he's already confused enough, trust me," I replied.

Chresanto narrowed his gaze at me as if he wasn't sure whether or not what I said was meant to offend him. He would be correct in thinking it was.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" he asked.

"Look at this!" I exclaimed throwing my hands up in the air. "Look at our family! That little boy is already more than confused. He doesn't know which place is home anymore. Is it your house or my apartment? And he's probably wondering why he can't spend time with Mommy and Daddy. Always one or the other. And you think meeting Jacob is what's going to do him in? Everything is already in shambles, Chres!"

Chresanto rose to his feet and walked toward me until he was inches away from my face.

"And who's fault is that, Bahja? Remind me, whose fucking fault is it that everything is in shambles?"

"Mine, okay?!" I retorted refusing to let the lack of space between us intimidate me.

I didn't know it when Chresanto first arrived at my door but I had a lot to get off of my chest too and it was coming off tonight.

"That's what you want me to admit, right? Well, there it is, Chresanto. I finally fucking admit it. I'm the big, bad whore who fucked around while you were locked up. But since you love traveling down memory lane so damn much, let's take it all the way back to when we were happy and raising our son in peace. Who hid all of those bricks of coke in the garage that got you locked up in the first place and took you away from your family? Was that my fault too? Am I a drug dealer and a hoe, Chresanto?"

Chresanto opened his mouth to speak but no words came out.

"Yeah, I didn't think so. That's always been your problem, you never take accountability for anything! I've been bearing the burden of ruining our family all this time because I felt like I deserved the guilt. That I deserved your silent treatment and being kicked out of the house. But it wasn't just my fault, Chresanto. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I should've never ever betrayed you by sleeping with Devin. I'll never try to make an excuse for that. But don't you dare say I'm the reason why this family is broken. I told you to leave the game so that we could start over and forget about New York. But you were too damn selfish to listen and you brought everything right back to our doorstep. So, if I broke this family up then so did you."

Chresanto continued to stand there in silence a while longer before backing away from me. Shamefully, he looked down at the ground as if my words were beginning to register. It probably never occurred to him until just now that he may have shared a part in our brokenness. Truth be told, I hadn't meant for it to ever occur to him but damn it, there's only so much blame I can handle and I've reached my breaking point. Chresanto took his place back on the armrest and took a deep breath before speaking.

"I didn't do it out of selfishness," he said lowly. "I didn't do it for greed. I told you it was just in case some shit hit the fan and we needed-"

"Your actions was the shit that hit the fan, Chresanto. Had the cops not found those drugs, you would've been home with me and our son. That's the truth," I replied. "Now I'm not saying that you forced me into Devin's arms...but he was there, Chres."

Chresanto raised his eyes to look at me in a way that indicated that my words were yet another bullet to the chest.

"And Jacob's been there for me too in more ways than one. He means a lot to me and he should meet my son."

The silence that followed seemed to engulf the entire room. Chresanto looked down at the ground again brooding. For a while I wasn't sure if he would ever speak so, I decided to speak first.

"Chres, listen-"

"I want to meet him," he finally said.

I was sort of thrown off. I wasn't sure what his next words would be but I definitely hadn't expected them to be about Jacob. Maybe a few more words justifying his past actions, a few condescending remarks toward me, another stubborn demand that Deon never interact with Jacob until my personal relationship with him is more solid, but no. He wants to meet the man?!

"If he's going to be around my son, I want to meet him," Chresanto repeated.

I nodded before taking a deep breath as I realized that my adrenaline had still been pumping fiercely from my rant earlier. His response hadn't been the simple "yes" that I wanted but it was better than the "no" I had expected. And maybe if Chresanto could meet Jacob, he would realize that he isn't just some random guy that I'm trying to push in our son's face.

"I can arrange that," I replied.