Necessity

Chapter Five

I was in the car with Deon on the way to Chresanto's house to drop him off for the weekend. As I approached the stoplight, I looked through my rearview mirror into the backseat to make sure he was alright and he was fast asleep. Sometimes I swear he sleeps more than an old man. I liked watching him sleep though even if only for a little bit because it made me forget about all of the bad shit I had going on in my life at the moment. Eventually we made it to Chresanto's house. I got out of the car and started to take Deon out of his car seat. His eyelids kept fluttering open and he would close them right back. I guess he wasn't ready to wake up yet. I carried him and his bag of belongings out of the car and used my hip to close the door.

I walked up to the front door and rang the bell before feeling butterflies rise in my stomach again. This happened every time I waited for Chresanto to get the door. And when he finally opened it, my heart would start racing. Not only because I was still very attracted to him but I never knew what to expect from him. I never knew if he wanted to talk to me, work things out, or anything and the fact that our conversations were pretty much "hi" and "bye" at this point didn't necessarily help. But today I had to talk to him about Zonnique coming into town. Even though she was basically family, Deon was still his son and he deserves to know who is going to be around him when he isn't. I handed Deon to him and his bag.

"I need to talk to you about something" I said before he could shut the door as he normally did.

"Yeah me too" he said before stepping to the side so that I could enter.

He did? I hadn't been this nervous in a while. I could only imagine what the hell he had to talk to me about. Was it too far-fetched to assume that he finally wanted to get back together? After all of the silent treatments and dry conversations, was he ready to bury the hatchet finally? I walked inside and heard him shut and lock the front door behind me.

"You want something to drink?" he asked leading me into the kitchen.

"No, I'm fine. Thanks"

I leaned myself up against the counter as I watched him set Deon in his high chair.

"When's the last time he ate?" He asked standing close enough to me that I could smell his spice-scented cologne.

It was faint but definitely present in the air. Whenever I smelled it, I used to feel safe and now all I wanted to do in that moment was be in his arms so that I could take it all in.

"A few hours ago. He's been sleeping it off all day" I replied.

Chresanto went and got a container of baby food and of course Deon instantly perked up. In fact, I swear I saw a twinkle in his eye. This was his favorite time of day but only if Chresanto was behind the spoon.

"You can go first" I said to Chresanto looking at him expectantly.

"So you know D's birthday is coming up" he said opening up the container.

I nodded to confirm that I did know.

"You got any plans for that?" he asked getting Deon's spoon out of the silverware drawer.

The way he asked the question sounded like he didn't know if he should have asked me that. He was avoiding all kinds of eye contact with me. I didn't even feel like asking what was wrong. At this point in our separation I learned to keep my expectations low. It probably had nothing to do with me. Maybe he has other shit going on.

"I mean I plan on making plans. I don't really know what  we're gonna do yet. Why?" I asked.

He started feeding Deon and briefly looked at me before looking back at Deon.

"Well I was planning on taking Deon to Universal Studios"

"Oh...so did you want me to celebrate with him earlier or something?"

"Actually, I was gonna ask if you wanted to come too"

I stared at him for a while not saying anything which made him look up at me.

"Bahja, did you hear me?"

I blinked.

"Y-Yeah, I heard you but I just didn't know if you...you know, meant it"

The corner of his lips turned up a bit. Not too much but just enough to let me know that his offer was genuine.

"I'm serious" he confirmed. "I know we haven't been on the same page since I got out but I don't want us to be separated on D's birthday. It might confuse him too much, you know? Having a birthday two days in a row but with each of us. It just seems weird"

I nodded. He was definitely right about that but still, I never would've thought that he would be asking me to come with him and Deon out of town to celebrate his birthday. In fact, I thought it would be the last thing he would want to do.

"What did you have to say to me?" Chresanto asked snapping me out of my thoughts.

"Huh?" I asked completely forgetting that I even had anything to say to begin with.

"You had something you needed to talk to me abut too, remember?"

I thought for a quick second.

"Oh, right. Nique called yesterday and she's coming down for Deon's birthday weekend. If I went with you, I-"

"She can come"

I was even more surprised than before. He really wanted me to go?

"Are you sure? I don't want you to feel like you-"

"Bahja, I wouldn't offer if I didn't mean it. You should invite her. That's family"

I stared at him in awe. Where the hell was Silent Treatment Chresanto? Was this a sign that he was getting over what I did to him or just that he didn't want to fight about it anymore?

"Okay" I said. "I'll let her know what our plans are"

He nodded and then it was silent as I watched him feed Deon his peas. Just as I was about to announce my leave, Chresanto straightened up from where he had previously been bending over to meet Deon's mouth.

"How you been?" he asked me.

I looked at him in the eyes seeing that again, he was genuine. The question had caught me off guard. Everything in me wanted to tell him how I was really doing. That everytime I saw him, I wanted nothing more than to just talk to him the way we used to. How much I missed being in his arms, his kisses, the way he made love to me. And that everytime I was away from him, I could hardly look at myself knowing that I had hurt him beyond what any apology could fix.

"I've been okay" I lied. "You?"

"I'm straight"

I knew what that meant. He said he was "straight" after his dad passed away. He said he was "straight" after Andre had first put his hands on him. That word was his way of saying that he was damn near dying inside but he was still alive so it wasn't that bad.

It became silent again and I could feel myself becoming more nervous by the second. I wanted to kiss him right now but I had no idea if he felt the same or was just being nice. Either way, staying in this house was becoming too much for me.

"I should go" I said moving away from the counter. "I'll let you know what's up after I talk to Nique"

"Ight. See you"

"Right" I said.

I kissed Deon on the forehead before leaving them both in the kitchen. I left without looking back and got into my car letting out a breath I didn't even know I was holding back. My emotions were all over the place right now. What the hell should I do? Go to Orlando and play out this fantasy of us being a family again only to come back to Miami and go back to being strangers to each other? As far as I knew, this was a one time thing. He never mentioned rekindling our relationship. It just sounded like he wanted to appear together for Deon's sake. Could I even do that?