𝙥𝙚𝙖𝙘𝙝𝙚𝙨 𝙤𝙣 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙞𝙨𝙡𝙖𝙣𝙙 ༄

exerpts from my brain

10/17/19
7:52 am
i wish i had long nails
i wish i had long nails to pierce my skin
i really want to pierce my skin

(it'll be good for you, you can disconnect)

8:54- 9:02 am
why is it, when i am without a vital piece of connection that everyone else has, that i clearly see the sadness in people?
they keep up these fake personas to each other, until they all log on and their true identity is revealed by their blank, slack expressions.
in a world of creativity and opportunity- we are bored. because although none of us want to admit it, we would just rather give up.

9:18 am
i wonder if everyone can hear me eating skittles

9:22-9:25 am
i feel the spirals coming
they are red-hot, radioactive
i attempt to anchor myself to my chair
remember, you are in chemistry
but to no avail
my headspace is different this time around
it seems my brain has caught a cold
she is stuffy, too hot
and in desperate need of a cup of tea
but there is nothing i can do

9:33 am
i know that i am ugly
i visibly recoil at my reflection
but at least i don't have a spray-tan

9:37 am
how is it possible for one tiny man with salt and pepper hair in a trench coat to speak for exactly one hour and forty-one minutes without fail?

my thoughts roam free without distraction, but it is not all bad

9:39 am
infinity. a wild concept. the idea that something goes on forever. forever. a word typically used along the lines of "we will be together forever". do you realize that it is a hoax? we created this word: infinity. this concept that we created out of the blue. doesn't that mean that it doesn't exist to anyone but us? doesn't that mean that we created this concept of forever because we were so afraid of The End of things?

9:42 am
each passerby- a blank slate
everybody wants to get out

9:45 am
my leg shakes. we fail to meet eye contact. i wonder what you're thinking. what are you thinking? the girl in my head reaches for you. she falls short. i cannot speak today.

10:20 am
it's sad, when you realize your throat cannot create the bubbly liquid of a laugh even when someone says a joke. even when everyone else's laugh echoes in your brain. your's is nonexistent.

10:48 am
"do not be afraid" said the white man as he stole the land from under the native's feet. "i am here with God" he praised as his troops mercilessly slaughtered millions of men and women and children. "we are here as your saviors" he proclaimed to the men chained up and the women getting raped.
You call yourselves Christians?

11:03 am
thoughts rush by fleeting- i forget every last one

11:53 am
skittles burn the flesh on my tongue. i have had too many. i want more. they are not enough to fill my aching stomach.

12:08 pm
i will never name a child with your name. i do not want want to ruin the child's image in my mind. you have destroyed yourself in front of me. now i will destroy your name.

12:15 pm
how many of us are depressed? right here, right now. how many of us are wishing we didn't wake up from our tormented sleep?

iwannadieiwannadieitstoomuchiwannadie

12:48 pm
everything is muffled. bile rises in my throat. my mouth burns and i want to be anywhere else

maybe playing solitaire will ease my mind

2:22 pm
we are all made of bacteria