50 Thoughts That Scare Me (Rewrite)

Chapter 4- The Full Extent Part 1:

Chapter 4- The Full Extent Part 1:

Some days, are just better than others. I've realized that.

I was at the doctors, and I felt terrible. It was Halloween, or in other words, my birthday. The doctors were doing tests after tests, apparently this wasn't the common flu.

"Mrs.Iero, may I speak to you alone for a moment?" The doctor, Leona, asked.

I was confused, what was so bad that they couldn't just discuss it in front of me? I mean, it is my health and I have a right to know.

"Sure." My mom said and walked out of the room, without a second thought.

My mind went to Gerard automatically, I had skipped school for this doctors appointment today. Gerard was in English, and I was here. I wondered what Gerard was thinking of, I wondered if he'd talked to anyone today, I wondered what he was wearing. Was his hair black, long and just as greasy as yesterday? Or had he dyed it, maybe cut it?

There was some sniffling and the door opened, it was my mom. Her and the doctor sat down and shared this look; fright and worry was held into their eyes.

"Frank," Leona said slowly.

••••••••••••••••••

I laid on my bed that night, I didn't even go back to school after the doctor's visit. I still felt like shit. I honestly wasn't expecting the worst; up until now I was so optimistic, now all the positive thoughts were gone.

I was scared, terrified, and I didn't want to show my face to anyone at the school. I didn't want people to know why I wasn't in school, I didn't want or the need the sorrow, I didn't need the publicity that this will bring me. It was all too much, and I was agitated.

Out of all the millions of people in this world, it had to be me to contract something as harmful as this. Why was I chosen to take on such a difficult task? I did not sign up for this lifestyle.

I never thought like this, for long periods of time. I never thought about things, I did and said before I thought about it. Not now, now the consequences of everything were running through my head, even the consequences of things I don't have the power to change.

At that moment, that's when I full realized I was diving into all of my fears; I wasn't prepared for this, making a list of all the common and daily things that I've become frightened and terrified of.

I sighed and got off my bed, I slung on a jacket, and then I walked downstairs.

Mom was reading the news paper, dad was strumming his old acoustic guitar. Mom had told dad what happened when we got home; I was in my room for that, I didn't want to to hear it again. Ever since, they haven't spoken a word to each other, this is the most silent they been since my birth, to my knowledge.

"May I go for a walk?" I said quietly. My voice was the only sound in the room besides the strumming and the page flipping.

"Yes, just be back soon, take your phone with you." My mom said to me, averting her eyes away from her paper.

When both of my parents looked up at me, all I saw was sorrow in their eyes. Their sorrow drowned out the love and warmth I used to feel when they looked at me. I felt like a lab rat.

I walked outside, it was chilly, kids were everywhere Trick-Or-Treating. I realized my parents didn't even say 'Happy Birthday' to me, nor did they make me a cake or anything. I guess they forgot, because of the now overwhelming stress. I wish I wasn't born like this.

When I reached the end of the driveway was when I heard my parents' voices, they were yelling. I couldn't make out all of the words, but I easily could tell they were fighting about me. They waited until I left, they didn't want me to feel bad. But I do, up until now they were inseparable, but I ruined it. My health ruined it.

I walked down the sidewalk costume-less. I counted each step I took, I thought about the outcome of life, and I thought about the consequences I was soon to face, I was now a professional thinker.

Back then, I was determined that if I thought long and hard enough about anything and everything it would fix me; it didn't.

"Sh..I mean, shoot, I'm so sorry!" I said as I bent down to pick up all of the spilled candy.

"Hey Gerard! Look, it's Frank!"

I looked up to see the kid I ran into, it was Mikey. He had makeup on, different shades of grey and black covered his face and a line of fake blood at the corner of his mouth. He was a zombie.

I looked over at Gerard, he was staring at the ground, but slowly he lifted his head to look at me. "Hey," I said, ignoring the white air that came out of my mouth when I spoke.

"Hey, Frank. You wanna uh, walk with us?" Gerard suggested. I shrugged my shoulders, maybe Gerard would help me get my mind off of everything.

We continued to walk down the sidewalk, Mikey was talking about his day at school. I wish he hadn't, because that's what brought attention to the next question that was asked.

"Why weren't you in school, Frank?" Mikey asked, Gerard looked at me, obviously interested in knowing the answer as well.

"Sick." I said more quietly and looked down at my feet as I walked.

"Hey Mikes, there's a house with a light on." Gerard pointed to a white house with blue shudders.

"Oh!" Mikey ran across the street, careful of cars.

"BRING ME BACK SOME TWIZZLERS!" Gerard yelled.

After Mikey gave us a thumbs up Gerard turned to me, "bullshit." He plainly stated.

"It's true." I said calmly, but in the back of my mind I just wanted to cry. I've been suppressing the urge to sob all day, I didn't want to seem weaker than I already was.

"You're lying.." He fought back. I wondered how he knew. He was so different; he was quiet, he was interesting, and somehow he just knew exactly what to do or say.

"You're right." I sighed, I have a short life to live, might as well take some risks.

It wasn't a lie, I was sick. Just maybe, I wasn't telling him the full extent of it yet. I didn't know Gerard too well, all I knew is that he intrigued me and I was curious of him. Could I trust him?

"Well, Gerard, I uh, I actually have....."

•••••••••••••••••

And that was it, I walked away that day, not realizing what I was doing. Sadness washed over me, everything felt foreign to me after that day. I had no friends, I was beginning a life of curiosity, and now I would forever be on edge.

Since then, every birthday I had would go uncelebrated. I didn't feel it was right to celebrate my birthday anymore. Each year on October 31 I would protest against my mom, I didn't want anything to remind me of the day that I got the news.

On another note, 3 months after my birthday, my parents divorced. They constantly were fighting over anything they were fighting about stress, money, my schooling, my emotions, me... It was all my fault, and I knew that deep down.

That day I got the news was my last day alive, because after it, everyday, I was dead inside.