Tear You Apart

Where is My Mind?

Smoke curled around my face like ghosts as I exhaled slow and deliberately. All I could feel was the warm, stagnant nothingness of my marijuana high as I stared at the sky. I'd found a deserted park not far from Leah's house and had climbed up on the canvas roof of my jeep to watch the stars. The moon was a tiny sliver nestled amongst the specks of light.

The air was cold and the sky clear making this evening even more lovely.

"This is some really good weed," I thought with a hum. If I ever spoke to Judd again, I'd be sure to thank him for his contribution to my perfect night.

I half expected the Depression Kitty to purr something nasty in my ear, but nothing happened. The THC must've made something happy enough to appease my brain chemistry because the sticky-sweet voice was nowhere to be found.

Maybe I could buy from him again. Leah seemed to enjoy my presence and I could be friends with her. The idea of getting to look at her brother again wasn't a bad thing either.

Hyperaware of that sentence, I was suddenly feeling perplexed. Devika Black did not want to see boys. Nor did she need friends. Only sweet solidarity. And some more of this bud. This New York marijuana put the stuff back home to shame.

But did I want to see him again? He was attractive. I might've been a cold, heartless bitch but I was no stranger to hormones, albeit not nearly as erratic and boisterous with them as my peers. This strange boy with his emerald green eyes did something to me I couldn't explain. It made the hair on my arms stand up.

I didn't want to think about that right now though. Or anything for that matter.

I hit the joint again, the smoke stinging as it filled every available crevice of my lungs. The lit end crackled and burned at a leisurely pace, as languid as I was. Just as the vapor filled my chest cavity, the haze that followed suit occupied my brain, leaving me impassive and beautifully tranquil. No thoughts. No feelings. Just me.

Such good weed.

I caught myself smiling as I opened my eyes and exhaled as I pulled out my phone and flipping to a random playlist. The beginning notes to 'How Soon is Now?' by the Smiths lifted from the device as I set it beside me. A sarcastic smile played at the corners of my mouth as I relaxed into the rough canvas.

A lovely night indeed.

**

Monday rolled around too quickly and before I knew it, I was walking into that damn school again. I'd learned my lesson from before, my things were all stashed away in my bookbag and I kept an eye out for anybody else who decided to press their luck. Either everyone had heard about what happened Friday or nobody cared because nobody even looked my way. Good.

The moment I sat down in my seat Leah turned around, tears brimming.

"What's going on?" the benignity of my voice surprised me.

She stated into a story about the party and how she and Daniel had gone up to her room to make out, and he kept pushing her head in hopes of getting a blowjob even after she had said no. I'd missed all the drama apparently.

"Ew, he did that?" I screwed up my nose as she continued.

"Yeah he did. He's a head pusher," she was distraught, but I caught a hint of irate. Hopefully she wasn't the type of girl to keep dealing with a guy after something like that. She deserved better.

"A what?" I lifted a curious eyebrow.

"A head pusher? Oh, come on you've never heard that term?" She was instantly distracted by my response which I supposed was a good thing. People crying made me super uncomfortable.

"No," I laughed. "I've had that happen, but I've never heard it called that."

"Ohmygosh, somebody head pushed you?" she was suddenly shocked and was staring at me with wide eyes. "Surely he didn't live to tell the tale?"

I chuckled at her response just as the teacher entered the room and started taking attendance.

"Let's just keep it this way, he had bigger problems than not getting head when I was through with him," I chuckled darkly. The look of fear in her eyes was genuine and hilarious.

"I want to hear details later," she whispered over her shoulder as Mr. Anarchist started on a tangent about taxation being theft.

"Sure thing Leah," I chortled.

**

"Oh, and my parents grounded me for three weeks!" Leah was telling the Daniel story again, this time we were sitting at lunch. Daniel himself was absent today. I had a sneaking suspicion he wouldn't be back.

I sat beside her, popping grapes in my mouth absently while I doodled in my notebook, tuning her out for the most part having already heard this tale.

"I'm literally just going to die," she feigned, throwing her hands up dramatically. She was quite the actress I was coming to realize.

"You know what your little shit bag brother called me last night? The blowjob machine! Daniel is lucky I don't pull a Devi and break his nose for that nasty rumor," Tallulah chimed in with a frown.

I continued my ministrations.

"Men are the worst!" Leah shouted, balling her hands into fists. The raging teenage hormones and emotions being emitted by this girl was making me uncomfortable, but I allowed her to have her moment.

Tallulah and Naomi shouted their agreement with raised fists of their own.

Suddenly I was hyperaware of their eyes on me. Glancing up, I confirmed the suspicion. They were all three watching me, presumably waiting on my solidarity.

"Here here," I flippantly raised a closed hand towards theirs.

"You don't agree." It wasn't a question; it was a statement coming from Leah.

"Ooh... do you have a boyfriend back where you come from?" Abruptly my support no longer mattered, and the three teens were gathered around me in exhilaration. I found it hard to breathe and my ears were hot.

"N-no I don't. Boys aren't my thing." It wasn't a total lie. 'Men' my age were little more than walking balls of hormones coupled with B.O. and inflated egos, leaving very little to the imagination. They were a dime a dozen and only wanted to get their dick wet. Pair that with my ever-present emotional dissonance and it didn't leave very many suitors. Not that I blamed them. There were easier girls to court who would laugh at their stupid jokes and ogle them. I was not that girl. Hell, some days I barely felt human.

"Hey girls are-" Tallulah started but I quickly interrupted her.

"I'm not into girls either," I awkwardly smirked down at my hands which were clasped in front of me.

"Wait are you asexual?" Leah announced suspiciously.

"Fuck guys no. I'm just- complicated I guess." I was lost for words, uneager to share anymore of myself.

"Hey man no pressure."

Giving Leah an appreciative smile for cutting the conversation short, I was equally gratuitous when the bell rang signaling the end of lunch, giving me an excuse to scurry away as quickly as my legs could carry me.