Tear You Apart

Love Me Dead

"You're a real dick you know that?"

I glanced up from my desk to see my little sister watching me incredulously from the hallway. I snorted and rolled my eyes too quickly, earning a sharp stab from my still raging hangover before resuming sifting through a pile of CDs. Last night despite walking in on her practically nose to nose with my cousin, I had wanted to chase after Devi. It was like I was caged inside my own mind watching helplessly as someone I didn't recognize chastised her and chased her off completely. I had meant to console her and tell her everything was okay and instead I verbally assaulted her. I pounded at the walls of my cell with tears in my eyes as the warden of my mental jail blew her a snide kiss and allowed her to scurry off into the black night while my mother took me aside and tried to reason with me through the veil that covered my common sense.

Even now there was some invisible hand punishing me and preventing me from picking up my phone just to see if she was alright. I shifted harder, trying to concentrate on the task at hand and not the situation from the night before. The taste of remorse was more bitter in my mouth than the bile that was threatening to rise up my throat.

"You're dumber than you look if that's news to you," I bit back, turning my back to her. I didn't need the added guilt trip. She had no idea just how badly my conscience was eating away at me and I wasn't about to indulge her.

She inhaled like she had a rebuttal but walked off instead. Her footsteps faded and left me alone with my thoughts. My eyes flickered to the cellphone perched on the shelf beside me as if just glancing at it would make it chime and make everything magically better.

**

"Devi," a feather-soft voice roused me from sleep. If succumbing to exhaustion counted as such a thing. My eyelids were stiff and puffy, and my lips were cracked when I ran my dry tongue over them. I felt dehydrated.

"What?" My voice sounded as pitiful as I imagined I must've looked. Cocooned in blankets with tendrils of heather grey hair sticking to my still moist cheeks like a toddler sent to take a nap after a tantrum. Downright pathetic.

"Hey... your dad let me in." A squeak of the door and then footsteps closing in on my location. I looked up through my eyelashes to see Leah watching me hesitantly like a hiker who had just stumbled across a sleeping grizzly bear and wasn't sure if poking it was the brightest idea.

"No offense Leah but you are practically the last person I want to see right now." I burrowed further into the quilts. If I couldn't see her, maybe she couldn't see me.

The floorboards creaked, signaling she was approaching the bed. My heart was a bird flapping and crying in my ribcage, demanding to be released. I knew she had to be beyond pissed at me. Why was she here anyway? Probably to demand an apology.

"I figured. But I think we should talk anyway. I already knew about you and my brother and he's a real douche bag for last night. My mom gave him a real talk-"

I stopped breathing and peaked out to shoot her a confused look, interrupting her.

"What?"

"Well yeah girl, you're family. He had no right to treat you like that." Leah sat down near my legs and I pulled them up to make room for her. My head was completely out of the blankets as I stared at her. She knew?

"No about you knowing..." I looked away bashfully for a millisecond.

"Devi for real? I saw his jacket on your floor the day after the Halloween party. Also, his bedroom is right across the hall from mine and you guys aren't exactly quiet." She took a moment to chuckle down at her hands like it was the most hilarious thing in the world before continuing. "It was pretty obvious who he was with."

I sat straight up, the covers pooling around my midsection with an aloof air about them like a cat who had just been disturbed from a particularly good nap. "Leah I'm so sorry, I should never have lied about it. It was supposed to be a one-time thing but then he started getting feelings and goddamnit I got them back and... and..." Tears threatened to strangle me as a hard lump formed in my trachea. "And I've ruined everything."

"I'm annoyed you lied this long honestly. But I mean, I get it. There's no easy way to admit you're shacking up with your friend's brother and while I will never see what anyone sees in that American Psycho wannabe, it would take a complete idiot to not see the way you two look at each other. It's like watching two feral cats fall in love. I don't know whether to tell you how cute you look and make kissy faces at you guys or back away slowly because you might try to gouge out my eyes. I figured eventually you would tell me anyway when you were ready. You're not exactly an open book after all," She laughed playfully, motioning towards me.

I didn't know how to feel. She knew? And she wasn't angry? No she did say she was annoyed... but she wasn't angry! It felt like a huge weight was lifted off my chest and I could breathe again. A single tear overflowed the dam of my eyes and slid down my right cheek before I could stop it.

"Leah... thank you." I hugged her before I could talk myself out of it. She went rigid in my grasp and let out a shocked noise but then returned the embrace. There was a voice hissing at the human contact in the back of my head, and I had to drown it out.

Itsnotweirditsnotweirditsnotweird...

"Devi I never thought I'd say this to you of all people but you're freaking me out," she gave a nervous chuckle as I released her like she had burned me. I had to bite my cheek to avoid barking out a laugh.

"Okay good because that was odd for me too sorry," I rubbed the back of my neck with a sheepish grin. The air between us felt so light- had it been this way before Judd? I couldn't remember.

"It's alright. But are you okay? Like seriously. That was a pretty big deal last night dude. I've never seen Judd that upset before. What even happened?" She cocked her head. She was all ears as I recalled the situation from my point of view.

A few minutes later she was giving me the most sympathetic face she could muster.

"Jeez man. What are you going to do?"

I bit my lip and pondered the question. I'd asked myself the same thing a thousand times in the last few hours. What was I going to do?

[[Author's note!!! I AM SO SORRY FOR THE LACK OF UPDATES!! I recently came down with some crazy illness and boy my life fell apart quick! But I am back and slowly gaining my strength back! Thank you everyone who commented while I was away! I love you guys!!]]